Post by onyxfyrefly on Feb 4, 2014 10:36:37 GMT -5
The next day everyone’s Facebook and Twitter feeds were absolutely flooded. Most of the comments were thanking them for a great show but many, too many were inquiries about the state of the group. The fans wanted to know if they were fighting, if they were going to break up, and a multitude of other questions and theories ran rampant.
No one replied or acknowledged the questions but the new issue weighed heavily on everyone’s mind and the mood was far from jovial as they prepared for the next show. Their saving grace came in the form of Angie. Quickly she spliced together a ‘Tour Diary’ video with clips of the lads messing around together, playing football, playing their guitars and the like. She added in a few clips of the band and the crew as well and luckily the fans ate it up.
To drive the point home even more Sharon wrote a short blog. She didn’t mention any of the drama that had been going on nor did she talk about the rumors that were currently going around. She just gave an update on the tour and the new merchandise that was going to be coming out soon. The only time she said anything about the group was to lovingly scold them for partying during their entire time off and now they were paying the price for their fun. It was a bald-faced lie but she couldn’t tell the fans about the issues that were surrounding Neil and Freddie. It was too complicated and far too personal.
She received a pretty positive response from the blog. The fans usually used her blogs as an outlet to let her know exactly how they felt about her but for once the fans seemed happy to get the update. For the moment they had been appeased and the rumors quickly lost steam.
Unfortunately this latest turn of events just made their current predicament even worse. Everyone had to step up their game and instead of dealing with the issues in their own ways they were forced to pretend that nothing was wrong. The already precarious situation became even more strained and no one was dealing with it well.
Neil was hit especially hard by the rumors and felt personally responsible for this mess. He had tried to hard to make things work and felt like he had failed. True, it had only been a couple of days and Freddie had told him to give it time but he wasn’t sure if he could. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were but he had no idea how to fix the mess he was currently in.
He played along the best way he could by posting a pictures and slagging the others via Twitter but his heart wasn’t in it. His attempts to talk to Nicole went about as well. The young woman was confused and still hurt. She couldn’t find the words that she craved so instead of trying to convey her feeling she just pushed Neil away. The action cut the singer to the bone and he could feel himself slipping, the urge to give up was so strong and he didn’t think he could hold on much longer.
Freddie watched Neil from a distance for a few days. She knew that her very presence had him on edge even though he denied it so she tried to give him space. She had been hoping that after hearing Neil’s story and seeing his genuine efforts to move on the others would be willing to try and do the same and work things out. Sadly that hadn’t been the case. True, there were a few people who were trying to move on but there were too many tense silences and abandoned conversations for her liking.
At the moment Freddie was searching backstage for Keith. They were going to start rehearsing for his solo gigs which were coming up too soon for her liking. Walking past an open dressing room the young woman paused. Neil was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands and she could practically feel the misery radiating from him.
Swallowing a sigh the tapped lightly on the doorframe. “Neil? What’s wrong?” The singer didn’t answer, he didn’t even look up. “Come on, you can tell me me.”
“It’s stupid.”
“Neil, I’m going to be blunt. I don’t want to be here, I have a million other things to do but I’m going to ignore all of that and sit here and talk to you. If you don’t want to talk that’s fine and I’ll leave you alone but if you want to talk I’m right here.”
The singer was surprised at the direct approach but did his best to mask it. “It’s just...after you told me that I had an anxiety attack I’m afraid I’m going to have another one. I’m always on edge and I can can feel myself slipping, even now the world feels like it’s a million miles away.”
“Well worrying about it is only going to make it worse. If you spend all of your time thinking about having an anxiety attack you’re more likely to give yourself one.”
“What can I do? How do I make this stop?”
Freddie sat down next to the haggard young man. “Do you know about anchors?”
Neil frowned in confusion. “Like for boats?”
“No, emotional anchors.” She reached down and pulled a chain from beneath her shirt. Hanging from it was a metal guitar pick. “This was mi abuelo’s, my grandfather’s. When my brother and I were born my parents had steel guitar picks cast and engraved with our names, birthdates, and birthstones. My papa was the musician in the family and it seemed like the perfect way to commemorate our birthdays.” She played with the charm for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. “He died when I was eleven and I did not handle it well. My grandmother gave us our picks and I put mine on a chain, I wanted to keep him close and I haven’t taken it off since. This is my anchor. Whenever things are getting rough or if I feel myself slipping I hold on to it. It’s my way of keeping in touch with reality and when I hold it I know that no matter how bad things seem they will get better.”
Neil slowly nodded as he took in her words. “Does it have to be a necklace?”
“No, it can be anything that’s special to you. Your favorite pillow, your favorite sweatshirt, a stuffed animal...anything that is relatively small will work but it has to be something personal and something that is significant in your eyes.”
The singer fell silent as he wracked his brain, throwing away one idea after another. As his mind wandered he continually played with the ring on the middle finger of his right hand. Freddie noticed the movement and nudged his shoulder. “What about your ring?”
Neil glanced down at his hand. “What about it?”
“You rarely take it off and you’re always playing with it, why don’t you use that as your anchor?”
“I can try.”
“That’s all any of us can do...try. So when you feel yourself slipping or if you feel overwhelmed touch your ring, hold it and remind yourself that you are going to be okay.”
Freddie patted his arm and stood to leave but knew that there was more on Neil’s mind. The guitarist rubbed her eyes. She was exhausted as well but since no one else was willing to help Neil she was going to have to do her best. Never would she admit that just being in the same room with him caused a cold sweat to break out across her body, it was an involuntary reaction that she was trying to teach herself to move past. “I know something else is getting to you...spit it out, Byrne.”
“I’m tired, Freddie. I’m so tired of everything but every time I close my eyes to try and sleep I just have nightmares or I lay awake for hours while my mind just races.”
“I think I know something that might help. Lay down and close your eyes.” Neil did as he was told and tried to make himself comfortable. “Now take a deep breath and when you exhale imagine that breath taking your stress away with it. Don’t start with the big problems, start with something small like trying to ignore how uncomfortable that couch is.”
Neil smiled slightly a took a deep breath then let it out slowly. Freddie sat at his side and watched him slowly relax, the small frown between his eyes eventually smoothing out. Finally his breathing was even as he gave into the sleep that his body craved.
Closing the door behind her Freddie pinched the bridge of her nose, she could feel a headache forming behind her eyes. Though she wouldn’t admit it she was having difficulties of her own. She didn’t mind if the others spoke to her or spent time with her but it seemed like her very presence had everyone on edge. She did her best to just get by day by day but she couldn’t ignore what was happening around her. The tiny cracks that had formed between the members of the Celtic Thunder cast and crew were expanding into larger fissures and she knew that it was only a matter of time before everything came crashing down around them.
-------------------------------------------------------
Over the next few days Freddie watched Neil slowly slip further and a further away. She could tell that he was fighting it but he didn’t know how to deal with the multitude of emotions being thrown at him. Adding to the mix was the everyday stress that came with life on the road and it was a recipe for disaster.
She watched as he attempted to ground himself by playing his guitar and was shocked when his skilled fingers stumbled over the easiest chords. That was her breaking point. She couldn’t sit by and watch Neil lose his music. She didn’t care if he lost his friends or his girlfriend or even his career, music was his life and she wasn’t going to let that be taken away from him.
Stalking through the venue she ducked into every room until throwing her hands up in frustration. Pausing for a moment she gathered her thoughts then headed outside. The weather was cool but surprisingly pleasant for that time of year. Outside of the venue Ryan was with three others playing a game of basketball. Ignoring the game, Freddie marched across the court and grabbed Ryan by the wrist.
“What’s going on?” asked the confused singer.
Freddie didn’t answer until she had found an empty dressing room and practically slammed the door behind them. “I am so sick of this!” she exclaimed and Ryan jumped.
“What? What are you talking about?”
The guitarist’s eyes widened in shock. “Are you kidding me? Just take a look around, Ryan. This whole group is a hair’s breadth from collapse and you’re telling me that you haven’t noticed?” The young man rubbed the back of his neck nervously as he searched for words. “Forget about the group. Don’t you care about what’s happening to Neil? I thought you two were friends.”
Ryan shook his head. “We are...it’s just...I mean...I know Neil’s been a little down lately but...”
“A little down? Ryan, he’s depressed...painfully depressed.”
“He’s not...”
Freddie cut him off. “Think about how I was a few weeks ago. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t sleep, I refused to talk to anyone. That’s exactly how Neil is acting right now. Haven’t you noticed that he’s lost a lot of weight?”
“Well we all lose weight during the tour.”
“But so much so quickly? It’s reaching the point where the makeup artists can’t hide the circles under his eyes and he’s struggling to keep himself from yawning on stage. Ryan, you can’t turn your back on this.”
“I...”
“Do you know what happened today?” Ryan shook his head. “I saw him trying to play his guitar and he couldn’t.”
The singer’s eyes widened. “What do you mean he couldn’t?”
“I mean that he couldn’t play. He kept messing up even the easiest chords.” Freddie paused to swallow back her emotions. “Ryan, in his eyes he’s lost everything and now, unless you do something, he’s going to lose his music too. Once he’s lost that...I don’t want to think about what he might do.”
Ryan leaned against the wall behind him, he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. “Why can’t you talk to him? I know you’ve been spending time with him lately, I’m sure he’ll listen to you.”
Because I can’t help him!” Freddie practically yelled and Ryan jumped. “When he sees me he sees someone that he hurt, he sees a wound that won’t heal, he sees a problem that he can’t fix. My very presence makes things worse but since I’m the only one who will actually speak to him I’ve been trying my best to help him. But it’s not working. Ryan, I can’t help him and if you don’t help him he’s going to do something stupid. You’re going to lose your best friend and I don’t think you want that on your conscience.”
Refusing to meet her eyes, Ryan kicked at the ground and Freddie took a step closer. “I can’t help him, Ryan. I’ve been trying to help him deal with everything. I’ve taught him exercises to help him find himself and to keep himself grounded but they’re not working. He tries so hard when he’s with me, it’s like he wants to make me proud but I’ve failed him.”
“Is it really that bad?” Ryan felt dizzy, he had known what was going on but didn’t want to accept the truth.
“It’s worse.”
“I don’t know if he’ll even want to talk to me.”
Freddie was getting tired of excuses. “That’s all he wants to do, he just wants someone to talk to.” She paused then stepped so close to Ryan she could nearly count his eyelashes. “You have two choices: either talk to Neil and get this mess figured out or I’m going to go to Sharon and tell her for Neil’s health and safety I want him pulled from the remainder of the tour.” Ryan’s mouth fell open at her words. “Choose wisely, I can be very persuasive and I will make sure that you’re the one that has to explain to the fans why Neil has to miss the rest of the tour.” She stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest. “Those are your choices. What’s it going to be?”
Ryan ran his hand through his hair as he let out a slow breath. He knew Freddie had a temper but didn’t expect her to be so vicious. She was right though. He’d let this go on for far too long. It was time to talk to Neil and try and work through their differences. “Fine, I’ll go and talk to him.”
“Good choice, he’s in the back.”
-------------------------------------------------------------
Neil was right where Freddie said he would be. Ryan paused in the doorway and watched as the guitarist struggled with the simple melody. Swearing, Neil finally gave up and sat back on the couch. He looked so defeated that it made Ryan’s stomach hurt.
His knock on the door made Neil jump and the dark eyes widened in surprise when he saw Ryan standing there.
“Can I come in?”
Not trusting his voice, Neil nodded. Ryan closed the door behind him and sat down across from the exhausted young man. “We need to talk.” Again Neil didn’t reply, he carefully packed his guitar away and leaned back in his seat. “I don’t know how to deal with this,” said Ryan with his elbows on his knees. “When I first heard about you and Freddie I couldn’t believe it. You are the kindest person that I know and I couldn’t imagine you hurting someone like that. Then you started to change and each day I was losing more and more of you. After that I started to believe Freddie. I didn’t want to believe her but the way you started to act, the way you shut us all out...I started to think that maybe you had fooled us all over the years and you really were this monster. And then when you went after Freddie that night...I was so afraid that all of my fears had come true. That the person I’ve known for nearly ten years wasn’t real, it was just some character created to hide who you really were.”
Neil closed his eyes in pain at Ryan’s words. “Ryan, I...”
“Wait, let me finish.” Neil nodded and Ryan continued. “Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship. Do you remember when we first met?”
“Yes.”
“When I walked into the studio to record those first tracks and saw you with the piercings and dark clothes I knew that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. You gave off this vibe and I knew we wouldn’t be able to mesh at all. But then I found out how quiet you were, how you could turn on this persona while you were making music but behind the scenes you were content to sit on the sidelines.”
“You offered to buy me a cup of coffee,” said Neil, his voice hoarse.
“And we’ve been friends ever since.” Ryan paused to collect his thoughts. “I think you’re the most genuine person I’ve ever met and I think that’s why the recent events have me so confused. You and Freddie didn’t say what you two talked about the other day, would you tell me?” Neil hesitated but Ryan pushed him. “Please?”
After a very long silence Neil cleared his throat and told Ryan the story, the true story, of his relationship with Freddie. He told him how he had been bullied then turned into a bully to take the power back. When Freddie arrived on the scene she reminded him of all of the things he hated about himself and punished her for it but he only acted the way he did so the other kids wouldn’t turn on him. He explained that his cruelty towards Freddie was the only way he could keep himself from falling into the position of victim once more. Then when Freddie arrived for this tour and started telling her side of the story he just reacted without thinking and fell back into the role in order to protect himself once more.
When he finished a silence fell between them once more as Ryan processed this new information. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
Neil shrugged. “I don’t know. Now that things have changed between myself and Freddie I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel so lost and alone and I didn’t want to burden any of you with my problems.”
“Do you remember when I fell?” The abrupt change of subject knocked Neil for a loop.
“Vividly.”
“Obviously I don’t remember any of it but even when I was fighting against the darkness, struggling to find my way back again I wasn’t afraid. Do you know why?”
“No.”
“Because I knew that there were people waiting for me to come back. People who would love me and care about me no matter what. I knew that the people in my life wouldn’t care if I couldn’t feed myself or move or even speak...I knew they would still be there for me. I knew that there were people who would willingly help me carry my burden.” Reaching out, Ryan covered Neil’s hand with his own. “My family told me you were one of the first ones there and never left my side. Sharon had to practically drag you to the airport to get you to Atlantic City because you refused to leave me alone. But I’ve turned my back on that dedication. I’ve acted like a bloody fool and I’m so sorry, Neil. I should have come to you earlier, I should have acted like an adult but instead I ran away and hoped that things would just solve themselves. I should never, ever have let it get this far and I am so, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” Ryan’s voice broke on the last words and Neil felt tears sting his eyes.
“You don’t hate me?”
Ryan shook his head vigorously. “No. I could never hate you. We’re practically brothers and yes, brothers do fight but they never stop loving each other.”
Neil couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “Of course I forgive you, Ryan, but you have nothing to be sorry for. This whole mess is my fault.”
“No it’s not. This could have and should have been stopped weeks ago. But I promise I will do whatever I can to help you. I don’t want to lose you, Neil. The very thought absolutely terrifies me. Just please know how sorry I am and let me know what I can do to help.”
Neil nodded and squeezed Ryan’s hand. “I thought I’d lost you forever.”
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Wiping away his tears, Neil smiled slightly. “Do you think the others will be able to forgive me?”
Ryan dried his own tears. “I think so. They’re confused and hurt and don’t know how to get all of their emotions out so instead of dealing with them they’re keeping them bottled up. I wish there was a way to get everyone to just sit down and talk without it turning into a shouting match. Any ideas?”
“I don’t know how to do it but I think I know someone who can. Come on.” Ryan followed Neil into the hall and nearly ran into him when the guitarist stopped abruptly.
Neil was going to go and look for Freddie but he didn’t have to look very far. The young woman was sitting against the wall right outside of the dressing room with her headphones blaring and a notebook spread across her knees. She glanced up at the pair and paused her music before standing.
“What are you doing out here?” asked Ryan.
“I wanted to make sure that you actually talked to him.” Glancing between the two she raised and eyebrow. “Can I assume that you two talked?” They both nodded and she slumped against the wall in relief. “Thank God. Now what can I do for you?”
“We need a way to get everyone together so we can talk this out but I don’t know how to do that without it turning into a screaming competition. We were wondering if you had any ideas,” explained Neil.
“What am I, your therapist?” asked Freddie with a grin.
“Well...”
“I should start charging. Okay...let me think...” She twisted her hair around her finger as she tried to come up with a suitable idea. “Okay, I think I know something that will work. Spread the word that there’s a group meeting tomorrow as soon as we get to the venue. It’s mandatory for all singers and band members and optional for the crew. If anyone gives you trouble say that Sharon called the meeting.”
“What do you have planned?”
“You’ll see. It’ll either work or blow up in my face. Now come on, we need to get going.” As they walked down the hall Freddie prayed that her plan would work, if it didn’t everything was going to come crashing down around them.
No one replied or acknowledged the questions but the new issue weighed heavily on everyone’s mind and the mood was far from jovial as they prepared for the next show. Their saving grace came in the form of Angie. Quickly she spliced together a ‘Tour Diary’ video with clips of the lads messing around together, playing football, playing their guitars and the like. She added in a few clips of the band and the crew as well and luckily the fans ate it up.
To drive the point home even more Sharon wrote a short blog. She didn’t mention any of the drama that had been going on nor did she talk about the rumors that were currently going around. She just gave an update on the tour and the new merchandise that was going to be coming out soon. The only time she said anything about the group was to lovingly scold them for partying during their entire time off and now they were paying the price for their fun. It was a bald-faced lie but she couldn’t tell the fans about the issues that were surrounding Neil and Freddie. It was too complicated and far too personal.
She received a pretty positive response from the blog. The fans usually used her blogs as an outlet to let her know exactly how they felt about her but for once the fans seemed happy to get the update. For the moment they had been appeased and the rumors quickly lost steam.
Unfortunately this latest turn of events just made their current predicament even worse. Everyone had to step up their game and instead of dealing with the issues in their own ways they were forced to pretend that nothing was wrong. The already precarious situation became even more strained and no one was dealing with it well.
Neil was hit especially hard by the rumors and felt personally responsible for this mess. He had tried to hard to make things work and felt like he had failed. True, it had only been a couple of days and Freddie had told him to give it time but he wasn’t sure if he could. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were but he had no idea how to fix the mess he was currently in.
He played along the best way he could by posting a pictures and slagging the others via Twitter but his heart wasn’t in it. His attempts to talk to Nicole went about as well. The young woman was confused and still hurt. She couldn’t find the words that she craved so instead of trying to convey her feeling she just pushed Neil away. The action cut the singer to the bone and he could feel himself slipping, the urge to give up was so strong and he didn’t think he could hold on much longer.
Freddie watched Neil from a distance for a few days. She knew that her very presence had him on edge even though he denied it so she tried to give him space. She had been hoping that after hearing Neil’s story and seeing his genuine efforts to move on the others would be willing to try and do the same and work things out. Sadly that hadn’t been the case. True, there were a few people who were trying to move on but there were too many tense silences and abandoned conversations for her liking.
At the moment Freddie was searching backstage for Keith. They were going to start rehearsing for his solo gigs which were coming up too soon for her liking. Walking past an open dressing room the young woman paused. Neil was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands and she could practically feel the misery radiating from him.
Swallowing a sigh the tapped lightly on the doorframe. “Neil? What’s wrong?” The singer didn’t answer, he didn’t even look up. “Come on, you can tell me me.”
“It’s stupid.”
“Neil, I’m going to be blunt. I don’t want to be here, I have a million other things to do but I’m going to ignore all of that and sit here and talk to you. If you don’t want to talk that’s fine and I’ll leave you alone but if you want to talk I’m right here.”
The singer was surprised at the direct approach but did his best to mask it. “It’s just...after you told me that I had an anxiety attack I’m afraid I’m going to have another one. I’m always on edge and I can can feel myself slipping, even now the world feels like it’s a million miles away.”
“Well worrying about it is only going to make it worse. If you spend all of your time thinking about having an anxiety attack you’re more likely to give yourself one.”
“What can I do? How do I make this stop?”
Freddie sat down next to the haggard young man. “Do you know about anchors?”
Neil frowned in confusion. “Like for boats?”
“No, emotional anchors.” She reached down and pulled a chain from beneath her shirt. Hanging from it was a metal guitar pick. “This was mi abuelo’s, my grandfather’s. When my brother and I were born my parents had steel guitar picks cast and engraved with our names, birthdates, and birthstones. My papa was the musician in the family and it seemed like the perfect way to commemorate our birthdays.” She played with the charm for a moment as she gathered her thoughts. “He died when I was eleven and I did not handle it well. My grandmother gave us our picks and I put mine on a chain, I wanted to keep him close and I haven’t taken it off since. This is my anchor. Whenever things are getting rough or if I feel myself slipping I hold on to it. It’s my way of keeping in touch with reality and when I hold it I know that no matter how bad things seem they will get better.”
Neil slowly nodded as he took in her words. “Does it have to be a necklace?”
“No, it can be anything that’s special to you. Your favorite pillow, your favorite sweatshirt, a stuffed animal...anything that is relatively small will work but it has to be something personal and something that is significant in your eyes.”
The singer fell silent as he wracked his brain, throwing away one idea after another. As his mind wandered he continually played with the ring on the middle finger of his right hand. Freddie noticed the movement and nudged his shoulder. “What about your ring?”
Neil glanced down at his hand. “What about it?”
“You rarely take it off and you’re always playing with it, why don’t you use that as your anchor?”
“I can try.”
“That’s all any of us can do...try. So when you feel yourself slipping or if you feel overwhelmed touch your ring, hold it and remind yourself that you are going to be okay.”
Freddie patted his arm and stood to leave but knew that there was more on Neil’s mind. The guitarist rubbed her eyes. She was exhausted as well but since no one else was willing to help Neil she was going to have to do her best. Never would she admit that just being in the same room with him caused a cold sweat to break out across her body, it was an involuntary reaction that she was trying to teach herself to move past. “I know something else is getting to you...spit it out, Byrne.”
“I’m tired, Freddie. I’m so tired of everything but every time I close my eyes to try and sleep I just have nightmares or I lay awake for hours while my mind just races.”
“I think I know something that might help. Lay down and close your eyes.” Neil did as he was told and tried to make himself comfortable. “Now take a deep breath and when you exhale imagine that breath taking your stress away with it. Don’t start with the big problems, start with something small like trying to ignore how uncomfortable that couch is.”
Neil smiled slightly a took a deep breath then let it out slowly. Freddie sat at his side and watched him slowly relax, the small frown between his eyes eventually smoothing out. Finally his breathing was even as he gave into the sleep that his body craved.
Closing the door behind her Freddie pinched the bridge of her nose, she could feel a headache forming behind her eyes. Though she wouldn’t admit it she was having difficulties of her own. She didn’t mind if the others spoke to her or spent time with her but it seemed like her very presence had everyone on edge. She did her best to just get by day by day but she couldn’t ignore what was happening around her. The tiny cracks that had formed between the members of the Celtic Thunder cast and crew were expanding into larger fissures and she knew that it was only a matter of time before everything came crashing down around them.
-------------------------------------------------------
Over the next few days Freddie watched Neil slowly slip further and a further away. She could tell that he was fighting it but he didn’t know how to deal with the multitude of emotions being thrown at him. Adding to the mix was the everyday stress that came with life on the road and it was a recipe for disaster.
She watched as he attempted to ground himself by playing his guitar and was shocked when his skilled fingers stumbled over the easiest chords. That was her breaking point. She couldn’t sit by and watch Neil lose his music. She didn’t care if he lost his friends or his girlfriend or even his career, music was his life and she wasn’t going to let that be taken away from him.
Stalking through the venue she ducked into every room until throwing her hands up in frustration. Pausing for a moment she gathered her thoughts then headed outside. The weather was cool but surprisingly pleasant for that time of year. Outside of the venue Ryan was with three others playing a game of basketball. Ignoring the game, Freddie marched across the court and grabbed Ryan by the wrist.
“What’s going on?” asked the confused singer.
Freddie didn’t answer until she had found an empty dressing room and practically slammed the door behind them. “I am so sick of this!” she exclaimed and Ryan jumped.
“What? What are you talking about?”
The guitarist’s eyes widened in shock. “Are you kidding me? Just take a look around, Ryan. This whole group is a hair’s breadth from collapse and you’re telling me that you haven’t noticed?” The young man rubbed the back of his neck nervously as he searched for words. “Forget about the group. Don’t you care about what’s happening to Neil? I thought you two were friends.”
Ryan shook his head. “We are...it’s just...I mean...I know Neil’s been a little down lately but...”
“A little down? Ryan, he’s depressed...painfully depressed.”
“He’s not...”
Freddie cut him off. “Think about how I was a few weeks ago. I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t sleep, I refused to talk to anyone. That’s exactly how Neil is acting right now. Haven’t you noticed that he’s lost a lot of weight?”
“Well we all lose weight during the tour.”
“But so much so quickly? It’s reaching the point where the makeup artists can’t hide the circles under his eyes and he’s struggling to keep himself from yawning on stage. Ryan, you can’t turn your back on this.”
“I...”
“Do you know what happened today?” Ryan shook his head. “I saw him trying to play his guitar and he couldn’t.”
The singer’s eyes widened. “What do you mean he couldn’t?”
“I mean that he couldn’t play. He kept messing up even the easiest chords.” Freddie paused to swallow back her emotions. “Ryan, in his eyes he’s lost everything and now, unless you do something, he’s going to lose his music too. Once he’s lost that...I don’t want to think about what he might do.”
Ryan leaned against the wall behind him, he felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. “Why can’t you talk to him? I know you’ve been spending time with him lately, I’m sure he’ll listen to you.”
Because I can’t help him!” Freddie practically yelled and Ryan jumped. “When he sees me he sees someone that he hurt, he sees a wound that won’t heal, he sees a problem that he can’t fix. My very presence makes things worse but since I’m the only one who will actually speak to him I’ve been trying my best to help him. But it’s not working. Ryan, I can’t help him and if you don’t help him he’s going to do something stupid. You’re going to lose your best friend and I don’t think you want that on your conscience.”
Refusing to meet her eyes, Ryan kicked at the ground and Freddie took a step closer. “I can’t help him, Ryan. I’ve been trying to help him deal with everything. I’ve taught him exercises to help him find himself and to keep himself grounded but they’re not working. He tries so hard when he’s with me, it’s like he wants to make me proud but I’ve failed him.”
“Is it really that bad?” Ryan felt dizzy, he had known what was going on but didn’t want to accept the truth.
“It’s worse.”
“I don’t know if he’ll even want to talk to me.”
Freddie was getting tired of excuses. “That’s all he wants to do, he just wants someone to talk to.” She paused then stepped so close to Ryan she could nearly count his eyelashes. “You have two choices: either talk to Neil and get this mess figured out or I’m going to go to Sharon and tell her for Neil’s health and safety I want him pulled from the remainder of the tour.” Ryan’s mouth fell open at her words. “Choose wisely, I can be very persuasive and I will make sure that you’re the one that has to explain to the fans why Neil has to miss the rest of the tour.” She stepped back and crossed her arms over her chest. “Those are your choices. What’s it going to be?”
Ryan ran his hand through his hair as he let out a slow breath. He knew Freddie had a temper but didn’t expect her to be so vicious. She was right though. He’d let this go on for far too long. It was time to talk to Neil and try and work through their differences. “Fine, I’ll go and talk to him.”
“Good choice, he’s in the back.”
-------------------------------------------------------------
Neil was right where Freddie said he would be. Ryan paused in the doorway and watched as the guitarist struggled with the simple melody. Swearing, Neil finally gave up and sat back on the couch. He looked so defeated that it made Ryan’s stomach hurt.
His knock on the door made Neil jump and the dark eyes widened in surprise when he saw Ryan standing there.
“Can I come in?”
Not trusting his voice, Neil nodded. Ryan closed the door behind him and sat down across from the exhausted young man. “We need to talk.” Again Neil didn’t reply, he carefully packed his guitar away and leaned back in his seat. “I don’t know how to deal with this,” said Ryan with his elbows on his knees. “When I first heard about you and Freddie I couldn’t believe it. You are the kindest person that I know and I couldn’t imagine you hurting someone like that. Then you started to change and each day I was losing more and more of you. After that I started to believe Freddie. I didn’t want to believe her but the way you started to act, the way you shut us all out...I started to think that maybe you had fooled us all over the years and you really were this monster. And then when you went after Freddie that night...I was so afraid that all of my fears had come true. That the person I’ve known for nearly ten years wasn’t real, it was just some character created to hide who you really were.”
Neil closed his eyes in pain at Ryan’s words. “Ryan, I...”
“Wait, let me finish.” Neil nodded and Ryan continued. “Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about our friendship. Do you remember when we first met?”
“Yes.”
“When I walked into the studio to record those first tracks and saw you with the piercings and dark clothes I knew that you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. You gave off this vibe and I knew we wouldn’t be able to mesh at all. But then I found out how quiet you were, how you could turn on this persona while you were making music but behind the scenes you were content to sit on the sidelines.”
“You offered to buy me a cup of coffee,” said Neil, his voice hoarse.
“And we’ve been friends ever since.” Ryan paused to collect his thoughts. “I think you’re the most genuine person I’ve ever met and I think that’s why the recent events have me so confused. You and Freddie didn’t say what you two talked about the other day, would you tell me?” Neil hesitated but Ryan pushed him. “Please?”
After a very long silence Neil cleared his throat and told Ryan the story, the true story, of his relationship with Freddie. He told him how he had been bullied then turned into a bully to take the power back. When Freddie arrived on the scene she reminded him of all of the things he hated about himself and punished her for it but he only acted the way he did so the other kids wouldn’t turn on him. He explained that his cruelty towards Freddie was the only way he could keep himself from falling into the position of victim once more. Then when Freddie arrived for this tour and started telling her side of the story he just reacted without thinking and fell back into the role in order to protect himself once more.
When he finished a silence fell between them once more as Ryan processed this new information. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”
Neil shrugged. “I don’t know. Now that things have changed between myself and Freddie I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel so lost and alone and I didn’t want to burden any of you with my problems.”
“Do you remember when I fell?” The abrupt change of subject knocked Neil for a loop.
“Vividly.”
“Obviously I don’t remember any of it but even when I was fighting against the darkness, struggling to find my way back again I wasn’t afraid. Do you know why?”
“No.”
“Because I knew that there were people waiting for me to come back. People who would love me and care about me no matter what. I knew that the people in my life wouldn’t care if I couldn’t feed myself or move or even speak...I knew they would still be there for me. I knew that there were people who would willingly help me carry my burden.” Reaching out, Ryan covered Neil’s hand with his own. “My family told me you were one of the first ones there and never left my side. Sharon had to practically drag you to the airport to get you to Atlantic City because you refused to leave me alone. But I’ve turned my back on that dedication. I’ve acted like a bloody fool and I’m so sorry, Neil. I should have come to you earlier, I should have acted like an adult but instead I ran away and hoped that things would just solve themselves. I should never, ever have let it get this far and I am so, so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?” Ryan’s voice broke on the last words and Neil felt tears sting his eyes.
“You don’t hate me?”
Ryan shook his head vigorously. “No. I could never hate you. We’re practically brothers and yes, brothers do fight but they never stop loving each other.”
Neil couldn’t stop the tears from falling. “Of course I forgive you, Ryan, but you have nothing to be sorry for. This whole mess is my fault.”
“No it’s not. This could have and should have been stopped weeks ago. But I promise I will do whatever I can to help you. I don’t want to lose you, Neil. The very thought absolutely terrifies me. Just please know how sorry I am and let me know what I can do to help.”
Neil nodded and squeezed Ryan’s hand. “I thought I’d lost you forever.”
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Wiping away his tears, Neil smiled slightly. “Do you think the others will be able to forgive me?”
Ryan dried his own tears. “I think so. They’re confused and hurt and don’t know how to get all of their emotions out so instead of dealing with them they’re keeping them bottled up. I wish there was a way to get everyone to just sit down and talk without it turning into a shouting match. Any ideas?”
“I don’t know how to do it but I think I know someone who can. Come on.” Ryan followed Neil into the hall and nearly ran into him when the guitarist stopped abruptly.
Neil was going to go and look for Freddie but he didn’t have to look very far. The young woman was sitting against the wall right outside of the dressing room with her headphones blaring and a notebook spread across her knees. She glanced up at the pair and paused her music before standing.
“What are you doing out here?” asked Ryan.
“I wanted to make sure that you actually talked to him.” Glancing between the two she raised and eyebrow. “Can I assume that you two talked?” They both nodded and she slumped against the wall in relief. “Thank God. Now what can I do for you?”
“We need a way to get everyone together so we can talk this out but I don’t know how to do that without it turning into a screaming competition. We were wondering if you had any ideas,” explained Neil.
“What am I, your therapist?” asked Freddie with a grin.
“Well...”
“I should start charging. Okay...let me think...” She twisted her hair around her finger as she tried to come up with a suitable idea. “Okay, I think I know something that will work. Spread the word that there’s a group meeting tomorrow as soon as we get to the venue. It’s mandatory for all singers and band members and optional for the crew. If anyone gives you trouble say that Sharon called the meeting.”
“What do you have planned?”
“You’ll see. It’ll either work or blow up in my face. Now come on, we need to get going.” As they walked down the hall Freddie prayed that her plan would work, if it didn’t everything was going to come crashing down around them.