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Post by HburgEagle44 on Jan 21, 2014 0:18:06 GMT -5
Wow...this is an incredible story. You have done it again...can't wait to see how things possibly work out? Good job so far!
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Post by onyxfyrefly on Jan 23, 2014 9:46:33 GMT -5
Okay, before I post this next part there's a little disclaimer/statement from me. This next chapter is possibly one of the hardest things I've ever written. I have agonized over it, I have written and rewritten and rewritten it more times than I can count, it has kept me awake at night. Emotionally it was difficult to write and if you don't like it please keep the negative comments to yourself. It's the best I can do. So when you're reading please know that I tried. With that being said...onto the show...
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Post by onyxfyrefly on Jan 23, 2014 9:48:53 GMT -5
Very late, or very early, Dave was roused from sleep by the sound of someone talking. Rubbing his eyes he glanced around and saw Freddie sitting on the edge of the bed with her head bent. After a moment he realized that she was praying in Spanish. He didn’t want to disturb her so he sat as quietly as possible. In the moonlight she almost looked ethereal, her hair spilling over her shoulder as the shadows played across her skin.
After a few minutes she seemed to sense his presence and turned, a frown marring her features. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
Dave shrugged and sat up. “It’s alright. Are you okay?”
The young woman shook her head. “No...I’m not.”
Reaching out, Dave pulled Freddie into his arms. “Want to talk about it?”
“I’m scared. Tomorrow I’m supposed to face the person that’s haunted me for most of my life. How am I supposed to do that? How am I going to get through this?” She let out a sigh and felt Dave’s fingers begin to card through her hair. “I thought I could use all of the strength I could get, hence this.” Holding up her hand she displayed the rosary beads woven through her fingers.
“It’ll be okay.”
“How do you know that?”
Dave smiled in the darkness and kissed the top of her head. “Because I know you and you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for.” Leaning back, the young man twisted until he could meet Freddie’s eyes. “When you talk to him do what you do when you play, just let the words come out of you the same way that you let the music flow. Don’t try to make up a speech or anything ahead of time because it puts too much pressure on you. Just go with it.”
Freddie let his words sink in and nodded slowly. “You’re right.” She made a face and in the darkness the shadows shifting across her skin made her expression almost comical. “How did you get to be so smart, anyway?”
Dave grinned. “I was born brilliant.”
The young woman rolled her eyes and waited as Dave lay back down before letting her head rest on his chest. “Do you mind if I finish my rosary?”
“Of course not. I don’t know the prayers or I’d join you.”
“It’s okay, I only know a few of them in English anyway. I think you get points for just listening though.”
In the darkness Dave smiled and let himself relax as he listened to the gentle rise and fall of Freddie’s voice. He wouldn’t admit it but he was scared as well. When the time came Freddie was going to have to face Neil on her own. Yes, Sharon would be there but if something happened and Neil broke under the pressure he wasn’t sure if the producer was strong enough to hold him back. Silently, he added his own prayers to Freddie’s. The young woman in his arms was precious and he didn’t know what he would do if he lost her.
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The next morning Freddie couldn’t make herself go down to the dining room for breakfast so she and Dave ordered room service. With her stomach in knots the young woman could barely eat anything. She sipped at a glass of juice and picked at the bedspread until there was a knock at the door.
She stood but before she could walk away Dave caught her hands in his. “It’ll be okay, I promise.” Freddie nodded but was reluctant to meet his eyes. “Do you want me to come with you? I can stand right outside the door.”
“No...it’s alright. I don’t...no...I’ll be fine.”
Dave nodded and kissed her forehead then saw Freddie start in surprise when she opened the door and encountered Ger.
“Good morning, Freddie. Sharon asked me to walk you down, I hope you don’t mind.”
The young woman shook her head and followed Ger. She was surprised when they didn’t go to Sharon’s room. Instead she was lead down to one of the hotel’s conference rooms. Taking a deep breath Freddie pushed open the door.
Sharon and Neil were already seated at the table and the young woman fought to keep her hands from shaking as she took her seat.
Glancing between the two musicians Sharon held back a sigh. “You know why we’re here. This madness is going to stop today. I don’t care how long it takes, I don’t care how much you scream or pout...this ends now. So who is going to start?”
Neil sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. His head felt like it might crack in two at any moment and he just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep.
Taking a deep breath Freddie dug deep for as much courage as she could muster then looked across the table at Neil. “Why do you hate me?” The young man jumped at the blatant question but didn’t answer. “What did I do to make you hate me so much? Please...just tell me what I did and I’ll apologize, I’ll quit, I’ll do whatever it takes to fix this. Please, Neil...please just tell me.”
The singer was silent for a long time. He didn’t even move as Freddie leaned back in her chair and glanced at Sharon for help. The blonde didn’t seem to notice the desperate look, she just kept her arms crossed and her eyes on the table in front of her.
Freddie was about to give up and just leave when Neil finally cleared his throat and spoke. “Do you remember the first time we met? Do you remember how you looked?”
“Unfortunately.”
“You were practically asking for it.”
The young woman’s eyebrows rose. “You hated me because of the way I looked?”
Neil shook his head. “I didn’t hate you because of the way you looked but you did make an easy target. Come on, didn’t you ever pick on the new kids?”
“No because I was usually the new kid.”
The singer at least had the decency to look sheepish. “Oh.”
“I moved six times by the time I was fourteen. If there ever was someone in my class newer than I was I always tried to reach out to them...to be their friend because I knew how hard it was.” The young woman smoothed her hair back. “Is that why you hated me? Because I was the ugly new kid?”
“No, it’s just...it wasn’t just that.”
“Then what was it, Neil? What did I do? What did I say to make you hate me?”
“You were selfish!”
The sudden exclamation made both Freddie and Sharon jump. “What do you mean? I don’t understand.”
Suddenly, Neil was on his feet and Freddie felt a cold sweat break out across her body. “From the moment that you walked into that class everything was all about you. The teachers loved you because your grades were perfect, your guitar playing was perfect, everything about you was perfect.”
The young woman was stunned and it took her several long minutes to find her voice. “I was perfect? What universe did you live in?” She shook her head slowly. “My grades were so good because they had to be. Some of the schools that I went to offered scholarships or incentives for good grades. And each school had a different scale so an ‘A’ in one school could be a ‘C’ in another.”
Freddie let out a sigh as she tried to process this new information. “I played my guitar all of the time because I didn’t have any friends. It was hard for me to keep friends because of all of the times I moved so I would spend all of my free time with my guitars. When I played I could truly express myself, it was the one time I had a voice. I don’t understand what you’re talking about...I was far, far from perfect.”
Neil didn’t have a reply. He paced through the small space like a caged animal as he collected himself. Finally he sat and traced a knot in the wood of the table, refusing to look at either Freddie or Sharon.
Freddie watched the scene in confusion. “You’re going to have to do better than that. You and I both know I wasn’t perfect and I wasn’t selfish, those are just excuses. There’s something else eating at you. Come on, Neil...spit it out. Just say it. Trust me, you can’t hurt me anymore.”
“You were weak.”
The three words were practically growled but the phrase and the tone only confused Freddie more. “Come again?”
“You were weak and weakness was not tolerated.”
“What are you talking about?”
“In four years you never fought back! Not even once.”
“How was I supposed to fight back?” asked the bewildered guitarist. “I was new, I didn’t know anyone or have any friends. And when you did come after me I was always outnumbered, I couldn’t have won a fight if I tried.”
“But you should have tried!” exclaimed the singer. “If you would have just stood up for yourself we would have left you alone.”
“How was I supposed to know that? You turned everyone against me.” Freddie ran her hands through her hair once more. By now it was probably standing on end but she didn’t care. “How could I have known that standing up to you would end the torment?”
“Because it worked for me.”
Freddie was surprised her jaw didn’t make a sound when it hit the floor. “What did you say?”
Neil desperately tried to backtrack. “Nothing...can we just move on?”
“No. You said it worked for you. Neil...were you bullied?”
“I...I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The pieces were starting to fall into place and Freddie moved to the other side of the table to sit next to Neil. “You were bullied, weren’t you? That’s why you hated me. You saw yourself in me.” The singer didn’t speak, he wouldn’t even raise his head but Freddie was determined to get answers. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
“What is it with you? Do you suddenly think that you have all of the answers? You don’t know me at all.” Neil snapped.
“No...I don’t know you but I know a victim when I see one.”
“I’m not a victim!”
Freddie was pushing Neil, trying her hardest to get answers. She knew he might snap at any second, and in the corner of her eye she saw Sharon sit up, but she had to know if she was right. “No, you’re not a victim anymore but once upon a time you were in my position. You’ve never been very big so I bet you were an easy target growing up. I bet the other kids teased you, called you names, tormented you until you couldn’t take it anymore.”
Neil didn’t say a word but his hands curled into fists. “But you finally broke and pushed back. You could have run away or ignored your problems but you fought against your tormentors and instead of beating you to a pulp they actually respected your defiance. And when the time came you finally had a chance to have power over someone...me.”
Freddie tried to catch the young man’s eyes but he stubbornly looked away. “Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll stop. Tell me this didn’t happen and I’ll drop the topic.”
“I was twelve.” Neil’s voice shook as he spoke. “All of the other kids were hitting their growth spurts and I just stayed the same. I was the smallest kid in my class and I was punished for it. For a year the other kids teased and tormented me until I felt like I didn’t have a friend in the world. It was awful. Then one day I couldn’t take it anymore. This guy shoved me and I just turned around and punched him. I was absolutely terrified. I thought they were going to beat me senseless but one of the guys said that I actually had a backbone and dared me to prove it. So I did. The next day I knocked this kid’s books out of his arms and the next day I tripped some girl on the way to class. Pretty soon the bullies were leaving me alone and before I knew it they had actually accepted me. For the first time in what felt like ages I had friends but not only did I have friends...I had power.”
“And you tried that newly won power out on me. The more miserable I was, the more powerful you became.”
Neil shrugged. “Can you blame me? Like I said, when you walked in that first day you practically had a target painted on your back.”
Freddie fought to contain her emotions. “Why? You knew exactly how I felt. You’d been in the exact same situation so why did you let the others pick on me? Why were you so cruel?”
“Because you existed!” Freddie jumped at the outburst. “You were a reminder of everything that I hated and you had to be destroyed.”
The musician’s bottom lip trembled. “So you really did want me to die.”
“No. Freddie I...I didn’t want you to die. I just want you to...well...go away.”
“I don’t understand.” She swallowed back tears as she spoke. “Why didn’t you just leave me alone? I could have just slipped under the radar until I moved again.”
Neil ran a hand through his messy hair. “Because every time I turned around you were there. You were getting praise for the highest score on the exam, you were getting the lead role in the band, you were getting the job at the music store that everyone wanted. I couldn’t escape you.”
“So you punished me.”
Neil shrugged again. “But it backfired. For the past twenty years I’ve been able to lock those memories away, I’ve been able to change myself until I was happy with the image I saw in the mirror then you showed up and let all of those demons free with your little pity party. Now the love of my life has ended our relationship and I’m stuck in a room with you with the threat of being fired hanging over my head. You know, Freddie, you break everything that you touch. How can you live with yourself?”
It was the young woman’s turn to fall silent as she took in everything that she had just been told. “I can live with myself because none of this is my fault.”
“What are you talking about? This is all your fault,” Neil spat.
“No it’s not. I never asked to move to Ireland, I never asked to get the best scores on the exams or to become a lead musician. All of that was luck of the draw with a little talent and a lot of practice thrown in. And I certainly didn’t ask to be placed in the same class with someone who was so broken.”
“What are you talking about?”
Freddie leaned closer to Neil. “Don’t you understand? I didn’t do anything wrong. You had an awful childhood but instead of truly coping with it you turned all of that anger onto me because I reminded you of the person that you had once been. Look, you say that you’re still being punished for things that you did when you were a kid. That’s true but no one is punishing you...you’re punishing yourself.”
Neil shook his head. “That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it? You’ve carried around all of this pain and guilt and shame and a million other emotions for twenty years. You’ve pushed it down and hidden it away, hoping that you’ll forget about that part of your past. Then I showed up and suddenly it all came rushing back and suddenly that pain was at the forefront of your life.” Neil let his head sink into his hands. “I’m right, you know I’m right. Please, let’s just end this pointless war, Neil, I know we’re both tired of fighting it.”
This time it was Freddie who got her her feet. “You asked me how I can live with myself but you should really be asking yourself that same question. How can you go to sleep at night knowing that you treated me like dirt and continue to treat me as much? How can you look into the eyes of your fans? How can you look into your niece’s eyes when a monster is reflected back?”
“Stop it! Stop talking!” Neil was on his feet as well. “You have no right...you have no idea what it was like!”
The guitarist wasn’t about to stop. A floodgate had been opened and all of the emotions that she’d held back for the past two decades came pouring out. “I know exactly what it was like but unlike you I refused to give in. I’d rather be powerless than turn into a monster like you.”
“I’m am not a monster,” Neil growled. “It’s your fault...you made me this way.”
Freddie shook her head. “Even now you refuse to see it. I never hurt you but you insist on punishing me for issues that you can’t deal with. Fine, punish me. Yell at me, hit me, do whatever you need to do but let’s end this now. Come on, do it!”
The young woman practically screamed her last words and Sharon vaguely wondered if they were going to attract attention from the other patrons of the hotel. She pushed those concerns to the side and prayed that she wasn’t about to have a fight on her hands. Freddie and Neil were toe to toe and the space between them practically crackled with energy.
“Come on, Neil. Swing away.” Freddie taunted.
Neil clenched his teeth so hard they ground together. “No...”
“What’s the matter? You never had a problem beating me up when we were kids.” A thought suddenly struck Freddie. “You never hit me...”
“What?”
“In school...you always got someone else to do your dirty work but you never hit me, did you?”
“No...I never touched you.”
“Why?”
Neil swallowed hard. “Because I didn’t want to hate you but I had to.”
“What are you talking about?”
“If I didn’t act a certain way around you, if I didn’t torment you then those kids would have turned on me.”
Freddie felt like the wind was knocked out of her. “Are you saying that those kids, the ones you supposedly called friends, were still bullying you?”
The singer shrugged. “I...I guess. They were on my side as long as they were afraid of me but if I ever showed the smallest sign of weakness then it would have been me getting thrown against the lockers and beat up once again.” He raked a hand through his hair as he sank into a chair. “They would have destroyed me...I wouldn’t have had a friend in the world.”
“I would have been your friend.” Freddie said the words very softly as she sat down next to Neil.
Her words seemed to break something inside the musician and against his will a sob caught in his throat as the emotions he had been struggling to hold back finally broke free. “Oh God...I’m sorry. I know you don’t want to hear it and I know it won’t fix anything but I’m sorry, Freddie. I’m so sorry.”
Against her will tears started to roll down Freddie’s cheeks. “I know you are and I’m sorry for the mess I made of things.”
“No...you didn’t do anything wrong.” Neil wiped his eyes and turned to face the musician. “I know this is very, very late in coming but can you ever forgive me?”
Freddie shook her head. “No.”
“What?” The little color that was left in Neil’s face faded. “Why?”
“Because the girl that you are apologizing to is gone. Whoever I was, whoever I was supposed to become when we first met...that girl is gone. You destroyed her. She’s not here anymore.”
“Then what am I supposed to do? How can I fix this?”
Tentatively Freddie reached out and took Neil’s shaking hands in her own. “You can’t fix it. What’s done is done. All that we can do now is try and heal. We’re both broken down as low as we can go...the only way to go from here is up.”
“How can you say that?”
“Because I have to.” Freddie was surprised at how strong her voice sounded. “I’ve been here before and there’s only two choices: you can give up or you can get up. I choose to get up. What’s your choice, Neil?”
The singer scrubbed tears away. “How can you just move on? How am I supposed to get up each day knowing that you hate me? How am I supposed to look at myself in the mirror?”
“I don’t hate you.” Freddie paused to dry her own eyes. “I feel sorry for you but I don’t hate you.”
“I don’t want your pity.” Neil tried to pull away but Freddie wouldn’t let him.
“I don’t pity you. I said that I feel sorry for you...there’s a difference. I know exactly how you feel, I know how badly you’re hurting but it will get better...I promise.”
Neil shook his head. “I don’t know how you did this. I feel like I’m going to be sick...it hurts so much.”
“I know. It took a long time for the pain to fade but it will.”
“How am I going to do this, Freddie? I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.”
The guitarist reached out and tipped Neil’s chin up so he could meet her eyes. “If you’ll let me I’ll help you. This isn’t easy for me either but we can get through this if for once in our lives we work together.”
“Together?”
Freddie gave him a weak smile and nodded. “Together.”
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mkk59
Wicked Fan
Posts: 94
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Post by mkk59 on Jan 23, 2014 11:08:29 GMT -5
Oh My Goodness! Onyx! It's amazing! I started out hating this Neil and I ended up trying to read through the tears in my eyes! I am beyond excited to see how Neil and Freddie get through this together!
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Post by barbt on Jan 23, 2014 16:55:34 GMT -5
The scary thing - and the phenomenal thing about this story - is that this is so incredibly plausible. Neil, being who we see today as a kid, would have been prime fodder for the bullies. Small. Delicate features. Weird sense of humor. Not especially coordinated or muscular. Musical. If he did get bullied, he made it through in one piece. If he didn't then he was extraordinarily lucky.
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Post by celticbear on Jan 23, 2014 17:20:50 GMT -5
Finally the truth comes out! Poor Neil having to act the bully in order not to become a victim again! He and Freddie are more alike than they thought! Onyx! I have tears in my eyes from reading this update! Now the time for Freddie and Neil to heal as come! I hope Freddie helps Neil to win back Nicole!
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Post by onyxfyrefly on Jan 28, 2014 19:46:07 GMT -5
Sharon let out a sigh of relief and closed her eyes for a moment. She knew that things were far from over, the next month and a half was going to be a difficult journey for everyone, but at least things were starting to get resolved. Silently she slipped out of the room leaving Freddie and Neil alone.
Freddie noticed Sharon’s departure but she was more concerned about Neil. The young man was trembling and fighting to keep himself under control. His whole world had been shattered and she wasn’t sure how he was going to cope.
Almost on cue the hands in her grasp began to shake harder and she heard Neil’s breathing become short and shallow. Freddie had experienced enough anxiety attacks in her life to recognize the early signs and she squeezed Neil’s hands.
“Neil, you need to relax.”
“I...I can’t.” She could hear the fear in the young man’s voice when he spoke.
“Yes you can. I know you’re hurting right now, I know you’re confused and scared but you can’t just shut out those feelings. Just calm down and I promise this will pass.” Freddie could actually feel Neil try and calm himself. She gently ran her thumbs across the palms of his hands until the shaking stopped. “That’s it, just listen to my voice. Focus.” She moved her hands to his head and slowly rubbed his temples as she spoke quietly. It took several long minuted before the attack passed but finally Neil seemed to relax.
“Do you want to go and lay down?” Freddie asked.
Neil lifted his head and raised his eyes to meet hers. The orbs were glazed and unfocused and it seemed to take several moments before her message sank in. Slowly he nodded and Freddie helped him to his feet. He swayed drunkenly and she wrapped his arm around her shoulders to steady him.
As she stood she shook her head. Only a few hours prior she had been the one who needed comforting, absolutely terrified of what the next day would bring. Now she was the one literally holding up the person that had made her feel weak for years. Perhaps her prayers for strength had worked after all.
Stepping out of the conference room Freddie smiled slightly when she saw Dave sitting against the wall. “I should have known that you would be down here. Want to give me a hand with him?”
Dave nodded and slipped under Neil’s other arm. The two slowly helped the singer back to his room, thankful that they didn’t encounter anyone else on the way.
“There you go,” said Freddie after helping Neil sit down on the edge of the bed. He was already wearing sweats and a hoodie so he just kicked his shoes off and crawled under the covers. There was a bottle of asprin next to the bed and Freddie shook out a few and handed them to the singer along with a bottle of water. She sat next to him for a few moments before slipping outside, grabbing his spare room key in the process.
Dave watched in confusion as the young woman headed down the hall to Nicole’s room. The violinist looked like she’d had a long night, there were uncharacteristic bags under her eyes but her smile was bright when she opened the door. “Good morning, Freddie. How are you doing this morning? Are you okay?”
Freddie knew she probably looked like a mess but didn’t care. “I’ll be fine but actually I’m here about Neil.”
The musician let out a frustrated sigh. “What did he do now?”
“It’s not like that. He didn’t do anything. We actually sat and talked for a long time and I think we’re going to be okay. But our conversation was anything but easy and he’s pretty upset. He’s hurting pretty badly and...well...I think he could use a friend right about now.”
Nicole twisted her hair around her finger. “I don’t know...”
Freddie nodded. “I understand that you’re upset with him and I know that he hurt you. I’m not trying to get you two back together or anything like that but he’s pretty broken right now and I think that someone should keep an eye on him.”
“What happened between you two?”
“It’s a long story.” Freddie brushed her hair back from her face. “If you don’t want to check on him that’s fine, feel free to ask someone else. But even though he won’t admit it he doesn’t want or need to be alone right now. I’m worried about him and I would stay with him but seeing me would probably only make things worse.” Again Nicole hesitated and the guitarist gave her a pleading look while holding out the spare room key. “Please.”
After a long pause Nicole finally nodded and took the key. “Alright.”
Freddie let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
Only after returning to her own room did Freddie realize how tired she was. She sank into one of the chairs and tipped her head back, her eyes closing. She wished that she could just stay here in the cool darkness forever, the very idea with interacting with the outside world exhausted her even more.
After an undetermined amount of time Freddie felt a pair of hands gently squeeze her shoulders. Slowly they tried to work the tension out of her neck before moving to her temples where they worked in small circles attempting to ease her stress.
Dave brushed his fingers across her forehead then paused. “I think you have a fever.”
When Freddie spoke her voice was thick. “No. My blood pressure is up. I was crying earlier.” The musician didn’t reply, he just kept up his gentle ministrations. “If you keep doing that you’ll put me to sleep.”
“Do you want to rest for awhile?”
Slowly Freddie opened her eyes and sat up straighter. “No....actually I want a beer.”
Dave chuckled. “I think I can arrange that. Do you want to stay here or go out?”
“I need to get out of here. Just give me a minute to get cleaned up.”
The guitarist hadn’t realized how much time had passed during her talk with Neil, it was nearly noon by the time they sat down for lunch. She ordered a massive bloody Mary and had consumed it before their food arrived. Taking her time with the next drink she picked at her meal while staring out of the window of the restaurant and watching people walk by without seeing them.
“Freddie?”
Dave’s voice snapped her back to reality. “Sorry...what were you saying?”
“Did you want another drink?”
She noticed the waitress standing by their table and shook her head. “I’m fine, thank you.”
After paying the bill Dave reached across the table and took Freddie’s hand in his own. “Do you want me to go?”
The young woman frowned. “What do you mean?”
“You just seem a little out of it. If you need to be alone for awhile I completely understand.”
Freddie’s heart hurt at his words. “No...I...I don’t know. I just want to run away, Davie. I just want to start running and never look back. I’m so tired of all of this...I don’t want to do it anymore. I don’t think I can.”
“Hey now...it’s okay. Come on, let’s go somewhere where we can talk.”
“I don’t want to talk.”
Dave wrapped a strong arm around her waist and led her down the street. “Then let’s go somewhere where we can just sit and enjoy the sunshine.”
Freddie wasn’t sure how long or far they walked, her mind was a million miles away. She was thankful for Dave’s presence, without him she probably would have stepped off of the curb into traffic or something equally as stupid.
“Here we go.”
Finally looking up Freddie was surprised to see that they were on the edge of the University of Texas’ campus. In the distance she could see the large academic buildings and the occasional flash of burnt orange as the students displayed their school pride. The area where they were was quiet and didn’t seem to be too popular with students at this time of day.
Walking over to a picnic bench she hopped up onto the table and let her feet rest on the bench. Her head sank into her hands and her eyes closed. On the edge of her consciousness she felt the first stirrings of a panic attack but pushed it away, breathing slowly until the sensation passed. She wasn’t afraid of the attacks but she didn’t want Dave to have to deal with it yet again. He’d already done so much for her and she couldn’t bear to put him through more.
A very long time passed until Dave tentatively spoke up. “I’m going to ask a stupid question.”
Slowly Freddie turned her head to look at him, blinking in the bright light. “What’s that?”
“Are you okay?”
The question caught the young woman off guard. “What do you think? I’ve had two of the hardest months of my life and I just spent the morning with the person that made the last twenty years of my life miserable only to find out that he’s just as, if not more, broken than I am and you have the gall to ask if I’m okay? No, I’m not okay, Davie. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again.”
Freddie was on her feet and walking away before she was aware of what she was doing. Dave was faster and cut her off. “Give me a second, that’s not what I meant.” Gently he placed his hands on her shoulders and met the brown eyes that were racing with a multitude of emotions. “I don’t care about what’s been going on around you or what happened this morning. I want to know if you, if the woman I fell for, if Frederica Castillo is alright.”
“No. No...I’m not.”
“Please tell me what I can do. Tell me how I can help.”
“I don’t think you can. I don’t think I can be fixed this time.” Freddie’s breath caught and she swallowed hard, she hated to cry and she wasn’t about to start in public.
“I don’t believe that. Nothing and no one is that broken. Now come on, let’s sit down.” Dave led her back over to the picnic table. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now but I want you to do something for me. I want you to pick an emotion then tell me about it.”
“When did you become my therapist?” The harsh phrase was spoken without venom and Dave was glad to see some of Freddie’s bright spirit trying to break through. Letting out a slow breath Freddie grabbed at the first emotion that flew by. “I feel guilty.”
“Why?”
“Because for twenty years I hated Neil. I was terrified of him. I blamed all of my issues and problems on him. If I failed at something I would blame that failure on my past with him. Then this morning I found out that there was a reason why he acted the way he did all of those years ago. He was only protecting himself the only way he knew how and I punished him for it. No, he didn’t know how I felt until recently but as soon as the tour started I used him as an excuse. I turned him into a monster but he...he was just a frightened child. I...I was the one that became the monster...not him.”
Dave frowned as he listened. “I don’t understand. Freddie, what happened between you two today? You went in scared of him but walked out practically carrying him. What’s going on?”
The guitarist shook her head. “I can’t. I don’t want to think about that anymore.” “I’m not giving you a choice. You went into this knowing that it was time to face your fears, to put those demons to rest. It’s not over, Freddie. If you don’t face it now it’s just going to come back later and it’s going to hurt even more then.” Dave framed the young woman’s face with his hands. “I care about you, Freddie, and I wouldn’t be pushing you if I didn’t think it would help. So please just tell me what happened.”
Freddie covered one of Dave’s hands with her own. “You promise that what I say will stay between us?”
“I promise.”
After a beat Freddie began to recount the meeting with Neil. She was a fantastic story-teller with the ability to recall conversations and repeat them nearly verbatim. As she spoke she couldn’t meet Dave’s eyes, she gazed into the bright sky as she spoke. The tale drained her so much that she actually slumped over once she was finished and Dave quickly wrapped an arm around her to keep her steady.
Both musicians were silent for a very long time. Dave’s response took so long that Freddie started to get anxious. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”
“You gave me a lot to think about. Give me a minute.” Finally his thoughts were gathered and Dave wet his lips. “You told Neil that in order to get through this he was going to have to forget about the past, right?” “Yes.”
“You’re going to have to follow your own advice.”
Freddie frowned. “What do you mean?”
“For twenty years you have hated Neil, been afraid of him, blamed him for everything that was wrong with your life but now you have to let go of that. You can’t use Neil to define yourself anymore.”
“Now I know how Neil felt,” said Freddie while letting her crossed arms rest on her knees. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“But don’t you see? You have an amazing opportunity right in front of you. You no longer have to be defined by the scars of your past. You get a fresh start.” Dave gently caressed Freddie’s cheek. “Your past gave you the foundation, the building blocks to form the person that you currently are but now you have the chance to choose your own path without the dark cloud of emotion hanging over your head. You’re free, Freddie. Don’t run from that...embrace it.”
The guitarist nodded then frowned as she turned to look at her companion. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, you’re absolutely right, but why do you sound like one of the text books from my psychology classes?”
Dave gave a wry chuckle and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Well...I guess today is the day for confessions.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Ever since the accident I haven’t just been going to physical therapy, I’ve been going to regular therapy as well.”
Freddie’s eyebrows rose. “Really? Can I ask why?”
“Because I wasn’t dealing very well with the accident or my situation.” Dave shook his head and gazed across campus. “Do you know what the first thing I asked was when I woke up in the hospital?” Freddie shook her head. “I wanted to know if I would be able to play again. I didn’t ask if Keith was okay or if the other driver had survived, I just wanted to know when I would be able to pick up a guitar again.” Silently Freddie reached over and took his hand in hers. “For my whole life I’ve been a guitarist. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do and that’s all I want to do for the rest of my life. I am my music so when I was placed in a situation where my music was out of my reach I was lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore.”
“That’s why you seemed to sad.” Dave turned to meet Freddie’s eyes as she spoke. “The first time we met you looked so sad and a little lost as well. I thought it was just because you were going to miss the tour, I had no idea.” Freddie squeezed his hand tighter. “Why didn’t you tell me? Over the past few weeks when I called and complained about everything why didn’t you say anything?”
Dave shrugged. “It was my burden to bear. I had to figure out how to define myself without my music and without anyone else’s help. Freddie, you’re in that same boat right now and so is Neil. You both are going to have to figure out how to move past what has happened. You might be able to make that journey together or you might have to do it alone but it has to be done.”
Freddie nodded. “I actually know the perfect exercise for that. It was something my therapist told me to do when I was younger in order to cope with moving around so much. It was a consistency exercise. I haven’t done it in years but I still have the notebooks with me. It might not work but it’s worth a shot.”
“You’ll have to show me.”
“I will but I think I’m ready to rest for awhile. Can we call a cab though? I don’t think I can walk all of the way back.”
Dave nodded and twenty minutes later they were walking into the hotel. Freddie thought that she heard someone call out to them but she was nearly asleep on her feet. Vaguely she noticed that their room had been cleaned in their absence and it was bliss to lay down on fresh sheets. She was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow and her last fleeting thought was that she hadn’t thanked Dave for helping her so much today.
--------------------------------------------------
It felt like mere minutes had passed when Freddie felt Dave shaking her shoulder. “Come on, sleepyhead.”
Freddie groaned in protest and rolled over to bury her face in the pillow. “Just five more minutes.”
Dave chuckled. “You’ve been asleep for nearly three hours.”
“And your point would be?”
“Sharon called a group meeting a six and I thought you’d want some time to get cleaned up.”
The guitarist sighed and pushed herself up. Even though he tried, Dave couldn’t contain his laughter at her appearance. “What?”
“I’m sorry but...wow...”
Freddie glanced across the room and caught her appearance in the mirror. “Now that’s attractive.” Her hair was sticking up on one side and matted down on the other. She had a crease from a wrinkle in the sheet on her cheek and her clothes were rumpled beyond recognition. “I see how it is...you only like me when I’m all dressed up and cute.” She stood and stalked towards the bathroom. “Typical.”
“Hey...that’s not fair,” Dave protested.
At the last minute Freddie turned and grinned at him before closing the door behind her, laughing when she heard the thump of a shoe hitting the door.
Freddie’s jovial mood had faded by the time they headed downstairs to one of the hotel’s ballrooms. She had paced their room for nearly thirty minutes until Dave had threatened to tie her to a chair to keep her still. Instead of coming up with a smart comeback the young woman had nodded and perched on the edge of the bed until it was time for the meeting to start.
The couple slipped into the back just as Sharon started to speak. It was easy to see that no one wanted to be there and everyone looked very uncomfortable. Across the room Freddie spotted Neil sitting by himself and her heart broke, he looked absolutely miserable.
Sharon gave them the usual rundown, explaining the travel plans for the next few days and eliciting a round of groans when she said that they had to be on the buses no later than eight the next morning. After the group calmed down she grew serious. “As you all know there’s been quite a bit of drama going around lately. I wish that I had known about the situation earlier but that is beside the point. With that being said I expect you all to act like adults and work through your differences in a professional manner. We still have a month to go on this tour and it will be a very long four weeks if we refuse to work together.” She scanned the crowd but almost everyone had averted their eyes. “Freddie? Neil? Is there anything that you would like to say before everyone leaves for the evening?”
“I would.” Freddie’s voice from the back of the room made everyone turn in her direction.
Holding her head up high she wove through the crowd then took a deep breath to steady herself. All thirty three members of the Celtic Thunder cast and crew turned their attention to her and it was almost too much.
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I know those words mean nothing, less than nothing to you but there’s nothing else I can say. Please know that from the very bottom of my heart I offer my sincerest apologies to each and every one of you.” She paused to let her words sink in. “This whole mess is my fault.” Someone started to protest but she held up a hand to stop them. “When I was in London and I saw the add I jumped at the opportunity. To be able to tour with a group like this was a dream of mine and I rushed headlong into it. If I just would have taken five minutes to get online and research the group I never would have auditioned and we wouldn’t be here right now. You’d be out enjoying your night off instead of listening to me. For that I’m sorry. I also should have packed my bags on the very first day when I realized that I would be touring for four months with someone that I shared a past with. I should have told Sharon that I was sorry and that they would have to find someone else but I didn’t. Deep down I wanted to face my fears, to face my past and to finally put my demons to rest.”
“As you can see...that backfired. Instead of putting my vanquishing my demons I let them run rampant. I conjured up ghosts from twenty years ago then ran from them. I brought all of my problems to the forefront and instead of dealing with them I let them consume me. I played the victim, I fell into my old role and blamed my pain on my past and pulled you all into the storm in the process.”
Freddie had to pause and swallow hard. She wasn’t going to let herself cry in front of everyone. “I forced you to choose a side. I painted a picture that you didn’t want to see and didn’t know how to cope with. I made you second guess your bandmate, your family, your brother. I presented you with the idea that you had been interacting with a stranger for all of these years. Never once did I stop and think that he might have changed over the years, never once did I wonder if there was a reason to his past behavior. I just went with what I had known all of those years ago and never gave him a chance to explain. I never let you all convince me that I might be wrong.”
“For twenty years I hated Neil, I was scared of him, I blamed him for everything that went wrong in my life and for that I was wrong. And my skewed image hurt all of you in the process. So please know that I am so, so sorry...for everything. Look, what Sharon said was true. We have another month to go. If I could I would pack my bags and leave tonight but we’re too far in. So somehow we’re going to have to make this work. You don’t have to like me or speak to me or even interact with me when we’re offstage. I completely understand. I’m not asking for your forgiveness and I certainly don’t deserve it. I’m just asking for you to make this work. I know it’s not easy and I take full responsibility for the mess that we’re currently in but we have four more weeks and whether or not you like it I have to stay for that time. Trust me, I tried to leave but Sharon wouldn’t let me. So I’ll give you your space, let’s just get through this tour and I’ll never bother any of you again...I promise. Just please know how sorry I am and if I could change things I would.”
Freddie waited for a moment then nodded her head in thanks before slipping through the crowd and out of the door. Dave started to follow her but Keith’s hand on his arm stopped him. “Let her go.”
The silence was heavy and after a beat Neil stood to take Freddie’s place at the front of the room. He hated speaking in front of large crowds and wasn’t quite sure what was going to come out of his mouth.
“I wish that I could say ‘See, I was right all along. You should have believed me from the start’ but I can’t. Freddie isn’t the only one to blame in this situation and I take equal responsibility. When I first saw her I didn’t recognize her, she’d changed so much since we were kids. But the moment that I realized who she was I should have acted differently. I should have taken her to the side and sat down like an adult to ask her how we were going to deal with touring with each other. Instead I almost immediately reverted back to my old self.”
Neil shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them from shaking. “You see...I never knew how to be nice to Freddie. When we were young she represented everything that I hated about myself and my situation and I punished her for that. And instead of acting like an adult I started to act like a child once more. She reminded me of a past that I thought was long gone, she revived parts of me that I thought I had buried and would never have to see again. When she started to tell her side of the story I simply reacted. Instead of calling a meeting like this to explain the situation I began to punish Freddie once more. Each day I turned more and more into the person that I once was, the person that I hated, the person that I never wanted to see again. But no matter how hard I tried that side of me was back and instead of turning to those around me for help I pushed them away. I could have admitted that I needed help coping with all of these old emotions I turned on my family, on those that I love most and I’m so sorry.”
“I wish that I could take the past few months away. I wish that I could heal those that I’ve hurt and retract my harsh words and actions but I can’t. I can let you know that Sharon finally made Freddie and I sit down and talk like adults about our problems and though they aren’t fixed I do think that eventually our wounds will finally heal. In just a few hours I learned so much about the girl I once hated but I learned the most about myself and it wasn’t pretty. Like Sharon said, it’s going to be a long four weeks if we can’t figure out a way to move past this. I’m not asking for your forgiveness either and I will give you all as much space as I can but we have to get through this tour whether or not we like it. We can’t let the fans down. I’ve spent the last few weeks being nothing but selfish and it’s time that I finally grew up and faced my issues.”
He paused and looked out over the sea of people. “I know I don’t deserve anything but I am going to ask for a favor. Don’t blame this whole thing on Freddie. She didn’t know how to cope with the situation and dealt with it the best way that she could. I just hope that you all know how sorry I am. After the tour ends I’ll be happy to sit and discuss where things will go after the tour and whatever decision is reached I’ll accept. Now let’s just get through these next few weeks without killing each other. I know it won’t be easy but I’m willing to do my part.” Neil felt tears sting his eyes and blinked them back. “I’m sorry guys. If you take nothing away from what I’ve said tonight please know that I am so, so sorry and I do love you all no matter how you feel about me.”
Neil didn’t wait for a response, he followed Freddie’s example and quickly left before he was completely overcome with emotion.
No one said anything for what felt like ages. Some people had tears in their eyes, some were angry, while others were confused. No one knew what to think and no one was quite sure how they were going to make it through to the end of the tour.
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Post by barbt on Jan 28, 2014 21:28:07 GMT -5
Yow. One completely messed up family right now.
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mkk59
Wicked Fan
Posts: 94
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Post by mkk59 on Jan 28, 2014 21:54:26 GMT -5
Great update! I don't think it will take too long for the family to begin forgiving each other. It may be harder for Freddie and Neil to forgive themselves.
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Post by celticbear on Jan 29, 2014 0:23:42 GMT -5
Wow! Glad Neil and Freddie realized they are both to blame for this mess! And I have a feeling that the others will forgive both Neil and Freddie. I would love for Nicole and Neil to get back together! I am hoping that Nicole still loves Neil!
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Post by onyxfyrefly on Feb 1, 2014 16:51:09 GMT -5
Freddie stowed her suitcase under the bus and stepped onto the curb where her backpack and guitar case were waiting. She smothered a yawn as she watched the others trickle out of the hotel and onto their respective buses. After the group meeting she had sent Dave a text letting him know that she needed some time to herself and that she would be back soon. She hadn’t arrived back at their room until nearly midnight and even though Dave wasn’t exactly happy he was more relieved that she was safe. Freddie hadn’t slept much though, she spent most of the night flipping through channels while Dave dozed off and on next to her.
The musician pulled her from her reverie and she turned with a smile. Dave looked tired but told her not to worry, he planned on sleeping on the plane. “Are you sure you have to go?” Freddie asked with a pout.
Dave nodded and pulled the young woman into his arms. “I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. If I can stay on schedule he thinks I should be more or less back to my old self by Christmas.”
“That’s wonderful! But I still wish you could stay a bit longer.”
“I know.” Glancing around, Dave gave her a mischievous grin. “But I don’t have to leave quite yet.” Bending down he kissed Freddie gently, feeling her smile into the kiss. He didn’t give her a chance to pull away, his hand slid along her back and to the base of her neck as the kiss deepened. Freddie’s fingers curled into the soft material of his shirt and pulled him closer, not caring if anyone saw them.
Neither one was quite sure how long they were locked in their embrace but when they finally pulled apart they both were breathless. “Are you sure you have to leave?” Freddie asked again and Dave chuckled while letting his forehead rest against hers.
Turning serious, the young man framed her face in his hands. “I can stay. If you really want me to I can rearrange things back home and stay for a little while longer.”
The offer was tempting but Freddie shook her head. “I want to say yes. I want to beg you to stay but I can’t. I have to do this on my own. I have to figure out who I am and where I want my life to go and that’s something I have to do by myself.”
Dave smiled. “I completely understand.”
“Hey lovebirds!” Keith’s voice caused them to turn. “Are you going to say goodbye to the rest of us, Dave, or should I leave you two to yourselves?”
Dave rolled his eyes and released Freddie in order to say his goodbyes. Keith was trying to act like nothing was amiss but Dave could practically feel the tension in air. Everyone wished him well and told him that they couldn’t wait to have him back during the next tour. He wasn’t sure if that was a dig at Freddie or if their words were true. He simply smiled and told them that he couldn’t wait to get back on stage with everyone.
After saying his goodbyes he pulled Freddie into his arms once more and smiled down at her. “It’s going to be okay. You’re so much stronger than you think and I’m only a phone call away. You can do this.”
The guitarist nodded. “The same goes to you. Call me if you need anything...anything at all.” Dave nodded and started to turn away when Freddie stopped him. “Dave, thank you so much for everything. I don’t think I would have made it this far without you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to repay you for everything that you’ve done for me.”
Dave smiled. “You don’t owe me anything.” Gently he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and Freddie wondered for the millionth time how she had gotten so lucky to have someone like him in her life.
“You call me the second you land in Philly.”
“I will.” With a final kiss he climbed into the waiting cab and Freddie waved until he was out of sight.
Letting out a sigh Freddie grabbed her things and climbed onto the bus. It took a few minutes to get used to the dark interior and after stowing her bag in her bunk she sat down on one of the couches with her new guitar. Aside from playing it in the music store she really hadn’t had a chance to play with her new toy.
Taking it from the case, Freddie let the instrument rest in her lap as she gently ran her fingers over it. It was a beautiful guitar and she could practically feel the memories that were ingrained within it. She touched the intricate vines that seemed to be woven into the wood and smiled to herself. Every guitar that she owned had a story and this one was easy to read. Though the previous owner’s life had been short it was plain to see that it had been filled with love and once again Freddie was awed and honored that she was fortunate enough to now posses this instrument.
Bowing her head she said a quick prayer, she’d have the guitar blessed after the tour, then finally began to tune it. Since it was in such good condition it tuned easily and beautifully.
She gently strummed the strings and smiled as the simple chord rippled through the air. Not having a particular tune in mind she began to play and felt the world fall away. It had been weeks since she played for fun, in order to hide her misery she had gone through drills and practiced the songs for the show until her fingers nearly bled.
At the edge of her consciousness she noticed the other band members climbing onto the bus and a few minutes later the diesel engine rumbled to life beneath her. Freddie ignored the outside world for a bit longer, letting the flow of the music take her away.
The instrument was exquisite and willingly followed Freddie no matter which direction she chose. Switching from Spanish to Blues to Rock the young woman actually laughed out loud at the ease of her playing. Never once did she have to pause to tune the guitar to make any type of adjustment and she was shocked. Usually new guitars needed some love and it took time for the musician to get a feel for it. Charlotte was different and Freddie played like she had owned the guitar for years.
Finally the last note rang through the air and she opened her eyes. Across the aisle Kieran clapped softly and Freddie waved away the applause. “Is that your new guitar?”
“Yes. Her name is Charlotte.”
“May I see her?”
“Of course.”
Freddie handed over the instrument and watched the musician’s eyes light up. “She’s beautiful. Did you have her customized?”
“No. I found her like that.”
“Wow...where did you stumble across her?”
“I honestly have no idea. Dave and I were just wandering around and we found this tiny hole-in-the-wall music shop.”
Kieran played a few chords. “May I ask how she got her name?” Freddie quickly told the story of the owner’s daughter and the young man smiled at the tale. “That’s beautiful. Personally, I think Charlotte would be very pleased to know that her guitar ended up in such good hands.”
The phrase was simple but it made Freddie’s heart tighten. It seemed like Kieran wasn’t mad at her and if he was he was trying to move past his negative emotions. The idea gave her a glimmer of hope and she silently prayed that it was a sign of things to come.
The bus ride wasn’t long, it was only a few hours from Austin to Dallas, and Freddie tried to make amends during that short time. She still felt so guilty about the recent events and it was hard for her to look anyone in the eye when they spoke to her but she was doing her best to make things right.
Luckily, Charlotte seemed to provide the perfect medium. Everyone wanted to see the new guitar and hear the story behind it. Through the guitar Freddie was able to speak to those she had once called friends and by the time that they pulled up to the venue a tentative peace had been formed. Things were by no means resolved and Freddie knew that she wasn’t forgiven but the band members seemed to be willing to at least share their space with her. It was a tiny step but at least it was a start.
The group took a quick tour of the venue everyone went their separate ways. Candice started to work on the costumes, the crew started building the set pieces, and the band members took a few moments to unpack their instruments and deliver them into the waiting hands of the their techs.
Freddie found a spare room to stow Charlotte then wandered off to find something to eat. Everyone was already gone, no one had invited her to dine with them but that didn’t surprise her, so she found a place near the venue and grabbed something to go. She wasn’t hungry but she had promised Dave that she would do her best to actually eat and sleep like a normal person.
After lunch she settled onto the worn out sofa with Charlotte and a notebook. For a few days an idea for a new song had been rattling around in her head but recent events had kept her from actually putting pen to paper.
Freddie had been writing music since she was a teenager but never had a song come so easily to her. It was like the song already existed and was using her as a medium to give itself form. Though she had written many songs most of them were instrumentals, she never had the knack when it came to lyrics. This song was different, the words flowed as easily as the music did and after a mere two hours the song was nearly complete.
She was picking out the notes for the bridge when a knock at the door made her jump. Glancing up, her breath caught. “Neil.”
The young man rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I can come back later...”
“No, it’s fine. Come in.”
Neil sat down in a chair across from her. “Is that guitar new? I remember Keith saying something about wanting to play your new guitar and I don’t think I’ve seen that one before.”
“Yes, I picked her up the day before yesterday. Her name is Charlotte.”
“She’s beautiful.”
“Thank you.”
The pair fell silent until Neil spoke up once more. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course.”
“Yesterday after we talked...what happened to me?”
Freddie frowned. “What do you mean?”
“When I...I don’t know...when I freaked out. What happened? I felt like I couldn’t breathe and for a minute I thought the walls were going to start closing in.”
“You had an anxiety attack.”
“What? I’ve never had an anxiety attack before in my life.”
“I’ve had them for a long time. They’re scary but you’ll be okay as long as you know how to deal with them.”
Neil picked at the frayed edge of his sleeve. “Did you have those attacks because of me?”
The question took Freddie by surprise. “No. I mean...I had them while we were in school together but I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks since I was very young. They started long before I met you.”
“But I probably made them worse.”
“Stop it,” Freddie snapped, her voice making Neil jump. “I won’t let you punish yourself over something that happened a lifetime ago. It happened. It’s over and I don’t hate you or blame you for it. You have to move on.”
“I don’t think I can.” The phrase was spoken so quietly that Freddie had to strain to hear. “I don’t know what to do, Freddie. I feel so lost.”
“I know.” She paused then packed her guitar away. “Come here, I want you to try something.” Neil moved to sit next to her on the couch while she dug through her backpack. Eventually she pulled two notebooks from the bag. One was old and battered, barely being held together with bright orange duct tape. The other notebook was brand new with a lime green cover. She handed the new notebook to Neil along with a pen. “My family moved around a lot and each time I moved I was ripped out of my school, away from my friends, away from my life. With each move I felt like I left a piece of myself behind and I was afraid that eventually I would lose myself so my therapist gave me an exercise to perform every time I felt like I was lost.”
“You went to therapy?” asked Neil wondering if that was another side effect of his bullying.
“Since I was seven.” Freddie brushed off the issue and continued. “Now, this is a continuity exercise. Are you ready?” Neil nodded. “Okay. Write down your full name.” Though he was confused the young man did as he was told. “Now write down your birthday. Now your mother’s name, your father’s name, your favorite color...”
Freddie went on and on, writing down her own answers as she went. Each question she asked was personal yet she made sure to choose questions that had answers that would most likely never change. For fifteen minutes she asked questions until nearly three pages were full.
“Look at those answers, Neil. Those answers are you. They will never change. When you feel like you’re lost repeat this exercise then look back on the previous pages, you’d be surprised how much stays the same.” Freddie turned and sat Indian style on the couch. “There are some things about us that never change. Our appearances might change, our tastes, our styles, our friends...all of those things might change but the things that truly matter, the things that make us who we are will stay the same. As long as you remember that you’ll never be lost.”
Neil sat for a long time reading his answers over and over again while letting Freddie’s words sink in. She was right. His circumstances had changed, his perspective had changed but he was still the same. Deep down he knew who he was and he clung to that shred of hope with his entire being. “Thank you.”
Freddie smiled. “You’re welcome.”
“When did you starting doing that exercise?”
“Ummm...I think I was thirteen or so. We’d just moved to Phoenix from Toronto and I wasn’t coping with it well. I was tired of moving and just wanted to be a normal kid that stayed in the same place and had the same house and the same friends and the same school for more than a year or two. My parents found me an amazing therapist and I adored her. She spoke to me like an adult and didn’t treat me like a broken child. She’s the one that taught me that exercise.”
“Did it work? Did those things about you really stay the same?”
“Surprisingly enough they did. You’d think that things like my favorite color or favorite style of guitar would have changed over the years but they didn’t. I still have all of those old notebooks at home and every now and then I go back and read the old entires. Things around me have changed but I’m still me. I might not always like the girl in the mirror but I’ve learned to live with her.”
“How do you do it? How to do just move past it all?”
Freddie threw her head back and laughed. “You think I’ve moved past it? You saw what happened over the past few weeks. I wouldn’t call that moving past anything.”
“But that’s exactly what I mean. You said from the moment that I walked in the room you recognized me and I know that all of those horrible memories had to come rushing back yet you were able to act like nothing was wrong. At the end things started to fall apart but until a couple of weeks ago no one knew about any of this. How did you to it?”
The young woman shrugged. “I learned how to cope with pain and discomfort. I exercise, I play music, I sleep...I’ve found my escapes. Now it’s time for you to find yours.”
Neil ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. “I don’t know if I can. All I can think about is everything that’s happened.”
“Find things that make you happy. I know music eases your mind so let it. Put on your headphones and listen to music, lock yourself away with your guitar or your keyboard and just play. Go on a hike or a long bike ride...sleep all day. Be selfish and take care of yourself for once.”
“I think I’ve been selfish enough for a lifetime as of late.”
Freddie nodded sympathetically. “I know what you mean. Sometimes you have to just stop worrying about what’s going on around you and focus on yourself. It’s not easy, especially for someone like you who is always helping those around you, but in this case I’d say it’s necessary.”
“But what if everyone thinks I’m turning my back on them?”
“I doubt that’ll happen. I heard that you said your piece after I left last night so everyone knows where you stand now. They know you’ve been through a lot and they know that you will need your space to heal. I think they can accept that and if they can’t then that’s their problem, not yours.”
“But Freddie, I’m not like you. I can’t do this by myself. I can’t do it alone.”
“Neil, you’re not alone.”
“Yes I am. My best friends won’t speak to me, my girlfriend hates me...”
“You’re doing it again...you’re feeling sorry for yourself.”
The young man sheepishly averted his eyes. “But...”
“No buts. Yes, this current situation sucks but you are not alone. Look down at that notebook at remember that not of that has changed. You have a family who loves you, you have a niece that thinks the world revolves around you, you have a legion of the most dedicated fans that I’ve ever seen, and you are surrounded by people who love you but they just want to smack you upside the head at the moment.”
Against his will he laughed. “Yeah...I guess you’re right. I just wish I knew what to do about the lads or Nicole.” Saying the violinist’s name seemed to physically hurt.
“I can give you advice but I can’t give you any answers. I would say to give it time. You hurt them and it takes time for wounds to heal. It’s not going to be fixed in a day but don’t force it either. Everything happens in its own time.”
Neil sighed. “Do you really think that things can be resolved?”
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t have a lot of friends, I’m usually the one that walks away instead of fighting for it. But if you think the they’re worth it then fight for them. It’s only been a day, you can’t give up already.”
“I’m not giving up it’s just...I don’t know how to deal with any of this. I’m so afraid to do anything because I’m afraid I’ll mess things up even more.”
“Honey, things are already just about as messed up as they can get. I really doubt it can get much worse.”
Neil laughed without mirth. “I guess you’re right.” He glanced at his watch then at the open door. “We should probably get going, soundcheck is going to start soon.”
Freddie nodded and headed towards the stage. Before they reached their destination Neil turned and placed a hand on her arm. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“No, I mean it. You have every right to hate me, to ignore me, to make me repent for my past sins but instead you’re willing to listen to me and try to help me through this. That, in my opinion, is the sign of a strong and beautiful soul.”
Neil’s words made tears prick the young woman’s eyes. “I’ve been in your shoes. I’ve been lost and miserable without a friend in the world. No one should have to go through that. No one.”
The singer started to say more when Freddie’s phone rang. She held up a finger then gave him a sympathetic look as she turned away to take the call. He was amazed at her resilience. Aside from the torture he and his friends had put her through she had dealt with so much and was somehow still getting by day by day. He didn’t know how she did it.
Watching Freddie’s face light up as she spoke he thought that the caller must be Dave. As much as it pained him to admit, he was glad that she had found someone who could make her smile. He hoped that he’d be able to make Nicole smile like that again.
When he had opened his eyes yesterday he had been shocked to see Nicole sitting at his bedside. He could tell that she had been crying and didn’t understand why she was there. The young woman had explained that Freddie had asked her to keep an eye on him and she didn’t look thrilled with the idea. Rolling over and pretending to sleep, Neil hoped that the fact that Nicole was even there was a good sign. If she completely hated him he doubted that she would have bothered to check on him.
He held onto that faint glimmer of hope as he walked towards the stage. If Freddie was willing to work with him then perhaps those he had hurt would find it in their hearts to forgive him as well. If they didn’t then he would have to learn how to live without him. The very thought terrified him, he couldn’t imagine a life without the lads or Nicole but if that was the price he had to pay then he would willingly pay it.
------------------------------------------
That night the show felt...different. The soundcheck went well, the lads and band members all messed around with each other but it was slightly off here and there. The same tension carried over to the show. Most of the fans didn’t seem to notice but those who weren’t screaming their heads off or trying to catch a glimpse under the lads’ kilts seemed to pick up on it. Every note was perfect and the choreography was spot on but things felt forced and before they made it back to the buses the internet was already abuzz with gossip.
“So apparently we’re fighting,” said Colm.
“What?” asked George.
“Some fans who were at the show tonight said it felt strained and they think we’re fighting. Get ready for the bombardment of notifications.”
Everyone groaned and almost on cue their phones all began to go crazy. Neil shook his head and tossed his bag into his bunk then grabbed a beer from the fridge. He had tried his best to act as normal as possible but obviously it hadn’t worked. Freddie had told him to give it time but he wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to do that. In a matter of hours he had managed to destroy all of his relationships and was well on the way to ruining his livelihood as well.
Drowning the rest of his drink Neil grabbed the notebook that Freddie had given him and headed into the back. His phone was continually buzzing with notifications and he turned it off before he threw it across the room. Flipping through the notebook he read and reread the exercise but it didn’t seem to help. Everything was falling apart and he didn’t know how to fix it. Letting his head fall into his hands he closed his eyes in order to calm himself.
“Help me, please...someone help me...”
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mkk59
Wicked Fan
Posts: 94
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Post by mkk59 on Feb 1, 2014 17:51:27 GMT -5
Oh no Neil... don't you ever give up!
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Post by celticbear on Feb 1, 2014 20:15:58 GMT -5
Poor Neil! I hate seeing him like this! He can't give up! Loved the tender goodby between Freddie and Dave and the advice she gave to Neil! I hope this story has a happy CT ending.
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Post by HburgEagle44 on Feb 3, 2014 1:48:55 GMT -5
Oof. This is so raw and I love it. Hoping it works out for the better...
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Post by HburgEagle44 on Feb 3, 2014 1:49:12 GMT -5
Oof. This is so raw and I love it. Hoping it works out for the better...
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