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Post by barbt on Nov 10, 2013 17:17:31 GMT -5
Hi, folks, I'm new here! Been making up this story in my head for quite a while and thought I'd try my hand at writing it down. Obviously, I don't know the details of Ryan's injury and recovery beyond what he has shared with us, but I do know a lot about brain injury recovery as a whole. I'm a physical therapist and worked for several years in an inpatient brain injury rehabilitation unit, so I saw many patients awake from comas and move through various stages of their recovery, from mild to very severe injuries. Some of the things you'll see in this story may seem strange to you, but I assure you they are common occurrences in brain injury units all over the world. There will be parts of this story where you may think I've mistaken Ryan's personality, but I've seen what I'm writing happen dozens of times. Anyway, on to the first part of my story! Please let me know what you think.
Raymond Kelly sat at his brother Ryan's bedside in the Intensive Care Unit of a Belfast hospital, reading. It was late at night, and quiet, only the sounds of monitors and nurses moving about. He'd spent most nights of the last 3 weeks here, watching over his much-younger brother. Ryan had fallen down the stairs at his home, hitting his head so hard on the wall that he'd fractured his skull and caused bleeding on the surface of his brain. The doctors had had to do surgery to remove the blood clot, which was putting pressure on Ryan's brain. They had put Ryan on sedation to keep him unconscious, telling the family that this gave Ryan the best hope for recovery - but they could not guarantee that Ryan would not suffer permanent and possibly severe brain damage. At one point they were not even sure he would survive. Fortunately, Ryan was now showing signs of recovery and the drugs keeping him unconscious were being weaned off. Raymond looked around the room and sighed. These late night vigils had been easier in some ways a few weeks ago, when Ryan's bandmates from Celtic Thunder had been able to be with them. The doctors had been reluctant at first to allow the other band members to enter the room, as non-family members were usually not permitted in the ICU - but Ryan's family had unanimously declared that the other band members might as well be Ryan's brothers and insisted they be let in. From that moment on, the other lads had taken it in turn to stay with the family day and night, providing emotional support, making sure that the family ate and drank and got away from Ryan's bedside once in a while. They quickly endeared themselves to the hospital staff by taking orders for drinks and snacks whenever they went to the cafeteria and stayed out of the way when they needed to. They became even more welcome when, during one of many instances when Ryan's vital signs had become unstable, Keith had subconsciously begun singing - a habit of his when he was under stress. The doctors were surprised and pleased that Ryan's vital signs stabilized on their own. They didn't make the connection until the same thing had happened several more times - Ryan always stabilized or stayed stable if Keith was singing. The other band members tried it and found that their voices worked as well - and they could only assume that Ryan could hear them and was comforted knowing that they were there. At one point the family tried using the Celtic Thunder CDs, but that experiment was quickly stopped when they realized that Ryan became more unstable when his own voice was playing. From that point on there was nearly always music in Ryan's room, and he had begun to recover more quickly and with fewer setbacks. But now the other lads were gone, not without protest - but a contract was a contract, and they had a two-week gig in Atlantic City to perform. They had each made recordings of themselves singing and left them with the family, and called daily for updates. But the family missed their presence and support, no more so than Raymond who was usually alone at night. He'd insisted that his sister Colette stay with their parents at night in the nearby hotel, knowing that the stress was difficult for his parents to handle and worrying that something might happen to them as well.
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Post by celticbear on Nov 10, 2013 22:59:44 GMT -5
Welcome to Nox! Love what you have written so far. Looking forward to reading more! Being a Keith girl myself, I love the fact that Keith's voice had a calming affect on Ryan and that the rest of the Lad's singing voice did the same!
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Post by barbt on Nov 11, 2013 22:25:12 GMT -5
A movement next to him drew Raymond's attention, and he smiled a little as he saw Ryan turning his head and moving his hands. Ryan had only started making these small independent movements yesterday, and the doctors said it meant that he was beginning to awaken. Raymond was just glad to see him moving on his own. For the first week Ryan had been here, his arms and legs had been very stiff, especially his left, his fists curled up on his chest and his feet pointed like a dancer's. The doctors said this was due to the pressure and swelling in his brain. Physical and occupational therapists quickly made splints for his feet and hands to keep them stretched out so they wouldn't stiffen in unusable positions, and had come daily to stretch Ryan's muscles, while the nurses changed his position every few hours. Thankfully, as the pressure in Ryan's brain had decreased, so had the abnormal muscle tone and they had been able to stop using the splints. Now he was moving all four limbs on his own, which was a good sign that he had escaped any serious paralysis.
Raymond yawned, and decided he'd better go get a cup of tea if he didn't want to fall asleep in the chair. He wouldn't be gone long, and Ryan was doing well.
As Raymond returned to the room, he quickly set down his cup and looked at Ryan in dismay. He wasn't just randomly moving anymore, but almost thrashing around. Was it one of the seizures they'd been warned might happen? He hoped not. Maybe it was the next stage of Ryan waking up? The doctors had told them that it was almost inevitable that Ryan would go through a period of intense agitation when he first woke up, as his brain struggled to cope with the sensations that he hadn't experienced since he'd been unconscious. Because the part of the brain that would tell Ryan whether he was behaving appropriately or not would not really kick in until later, they'd been warned that his personality might be very different as he first awoke - irritable, angry, and potentially aggressive. It would be complicated by the fact that Ryan likely would never remember the accident, and most likely would have trouble remembering when he was told about it for a while as well - it was very difficult for newly-awakened coma patients to form new memories initially. Raymond couldn't imagine Ryan behaving that way. The doctors said he could pass through that stage in a few days, or get stuck in it for a prolonged period.
Raymond stepped over to the bed. "Ryan? Ryan, it's Raymond. It's OK, calm down." Ryan turned his head towards Raymond and fought to open his eyes. He looked very confused.
In a very low, very hoarse voice, Ryan said, "Ray? What...?"
"You had an accident, Ryan, and you're in the hospital."
Ryan closed his eyes, then opened them again, looking no less confused. He started to reach towards his right arm, where an IV line was inserted. "Hurts".
"What hurts?"
"Arm..." By now Ryan's fingers were starting to scratch at the IV. "Hey, don't!" said Raymond. "You need to leave that alone." Raymond took Ryan's hand and moved it away from the IV line. He was surprised when Ryan yanked his hand free and reached for the IV again. Raymond grabbed his hand and held it, saying, "Ryan, you can't touch that. It's an IV drip, you need it."
Suddenly, Ryan was growling words that Raymond didn't think he even knew, calling Raymond every name in the book, and his right arm came up in a wild swing at Raymond's head. "Hey, Ryan, settle down! Nurse!" Raymond yelled.
Rapid footsteps came down the hall as Raymond struggled to keep Ryan from pulling out the IV line. "What's wrong?"
"He woke up out the blue, trying to pull the drip out and saying his arm hurts!" Raymond panted, working hard to keep Ryan from grabbing, hitting, or banging into anything.
"Can you hold him? I'd rather not upset him any more by getting more people he doesn't know in here to hold him down. Just long enough for me to get a good look at his arm."
"I'll try", Raymond said and held on, trying to catch Ryan's gaze. Their eyes locked and he softly said, "Ryan, it's OK, the nurse is checking your arm. Just relax and let her see what's wrong, OK?"
"OK", Ryan said weakly, already exhausted from the struggle. He laid back limp against the pillows.
"No wonder he was upset", the nurse said, "the IV line shifted and the fluid's been going into his arm instead of his vein. It's like having a bad bruise with a lot of swelling, with a needle in the middle of it as well. I'll pull the line and we'll let him settle down before we try to put another one in". She quickly pulled the needle out and covered the spot with a bandage.
"Better, Ryan?", asked Raymond. "No", Ryan said rudely.
"The swelling should go down on its own shortly", said the nurse. "The fluid will absorb into his body, there's nothing in it that will cause a problem. I'll be back in about 10 minutes to check on him, OK? Let me know right away if he gets agitated again."
"Yes, thanks," Raymond said. He pulled a chair to this side of Ryan's bed and sat down, still holding Ryan's left hand. Ryan looked up at him.
"Ray, where am I? Why are you here?" Ryan's voice was quiet, and even more hoarse from trying to yell. "You're in the hospital in Belfast. You had an accident."
Ryan suddenly looked worried. "Is Neil OK? Was he hurt?"
"Neil's fine," Raymond said, confused. "He wasn't with you."
"I was with him", Ryan insisted. "Doing our ABC tour. If I was in a car accident, he must have been, too."
"You were already back from the tour, you'd been home for a couple of weeks" Raymond said. "Neil was in Dublin when the accident happened. It wasn't a car accident, you fell down the steps at home."
Ryan looked puzzled. "I don't remember being home, last thing I remember is the tour..." he muttered sleepily.
"Don't worry about it now, Ryan, just go back to sleep. It's really late at night." Raymond watched as Ryan's eyes closed and his breathing slowed and evened out. He sat back in the chair and let out a rush of air. That had not been fun at all, and he was really glad his mother hadn't been there to see it. He knew he'd have to tell her about it in the morning, though. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he checked the caller ID and smiled. It was Neil, calling to check in.
"Hey, Neil, wish you'd called a few minutes ago" he said.
"Why?"
"You might have been able to talk to Ryan for a minute and convince him you're OK." Raymond smiled as he heard Neil say, "WHAT?"
"Ryan woke up about 10 minutes ago, cursing like a sailor and trying to tear the drip out of his arm, tried to take my head off with a swing as well when I stopped him. The nurse came and figured out the needle had shifted and was hurting him, so she took it out. Once he settled down he asked why he was here, and when I told him he'd had an accident he was convinced that the two of you had had a car accident on the ABC tour and that you must have been hurt as well. He doesn't even remember being home. He was exhausted from all that and fell right back to sleep a couple of minutes ago."
"Ryan tried to hit you?" Neil said incredulously. "I can't believe it. And he was cursing?" "Yeah," Raymond said tiredly. The adrenaline rush was gone and he was exhausted, too. "The doctors told us he might be agitated when he woke up, remember?"
"Yes, but I didn't expect something like that!" Neil said. "Nor me, mate," said Raymond. "I hope it doesn't get any worse before it gets better."
"I hear you," said Neil. "Well, I'll pass the news on and get the crew praying for him to get through this fast. At least he's awake, and knows you, and can talk, right?"
"Thanks, Neil", said Raymond, smiling. "You just gave me the silver lining to that cloud, you know? Good night."
Raymond leaned back in the chair, his eyes closing. Neil was right. Ryan had woken up, had most of his memory, and was able to talk clearly. It was almost more than they'd dared hope for. For the first time, he felt optimistic about the whole situation, and fell asleep in the chair with a smile on his face. He didn't even wake up when the nurse came back and was able to get the IV into Ryan's other arm without trouble.
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Post by sportygirl200 on Nov 12, 2013 8:19:09 GMT -5
Do love this story please keep going not leave waiting too long
Sent from my GT-P5110 using proboards
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Post by celticbear on Nov 12, 2013 22:58:11 GMT -5
Wow! That was one intense waking up! Glad they figured out what was wrong! Looking forward to the next update!
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Post by spiragatto on Nov 14, 2013 4:34:30 GMT -5
Wow!! This was great!!
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Post by barbt on Nov 16, 2013 15:59:37 GMT -5
The next morning, Raymond was waiting outside Ryan's room when his parents and Colette arrived. The nurse was in helping Ryan with his morning care. Ryan had been awake, but very passive and lethargic when Raymond left. Now he could hear him occasionally answering the nurse's comments.
"How was the night, Ray?" his father asked.
"Interesting," said Raymond, with a bit of a grimace.
"Wait." said Collette. "Is that...can I hear Ryan TALKING in there?"
"Yeah, " said Raymond, grinning now. "he's awake. But last night..." The grin faded as he shook his head, remembering.
"What happened, Raymond?" his mother said, worried now.
"Remember they told us he would probably wake up agitated, and his personality might be different? It was. Admittedly, he was in pain because the IV needle had shifted, but Mam, his language would have made a sailor blush, and he tried to hit me! He doesn't remember being home from the ABC tour at all, and he thought he and Neil had been in a car accident. Why'd he'd be in a Belfast hospital if that was the case I don't know, I guess he's just not really thinking clearly."
Ryan's mother dropped her head. Collette and their father both put an arm around her and they could see she was crying. But then she raised her head and said firmly, "At least he's awake. It's a start."
Raymond gave his mom a hug. "That's what Neil said last night when I told him, that he's awake, he has most of his memory, and he's speaking clearly. It's a lot more than we might have expected."
Raymond suddenly realized that Ryan's voice from inside the room had risen, and he sounded like he was arguing. There was a sudden CRASH and a loud "NO!" from Ryan. "Oh, Lord," said Raymond, "there he goes again." He turned back towards the room door.
His father stopped him. "You go back to the hotel and rest, son. It's my turn." He entered the room and saw Ryan sitting bolt upright in bed, glaring at the nurse. The tray table had been knocked to the floor along with a basin of water that it held. "What happened?"
"I was just about to start bathing him..." the nurse started and Ryan yelled, "I told her to leave me alone! I can do it myself, just let me out of this (curse) bed and I'll get in the shower myself. I don't need her poking around me!"
Mr. Kelly looked at the nurse. "He knocked the tray over? Are you OK?"
"Yes, just wet," the nurse said. "But I can't let him get up until after the therapists have been in to evaluate him. He's going to have a busy day very shortly and he needs to be ready for it".
Suddenly a pillow came flying at them. "Stop talking about me like I'm not here!" raged Ryan.
"I'm sorry," said Mr. Kelly, "you're right, Ryan." He turned to the nurse. "Would you leave us alone for a few minutes? Just let my family outside know everything is OK." The nurse nodded and stepped out of the room.
Mr. Kelly fixed a stern eye on his son. "Now what's all this about, Ryan?"
"I told you. I can take care of myself. I don't need some (curse) of a woman to bathe me and dress me."
Mr. Kelly raised his eyebrows. This was definitely not the Ryan he knew. He could have seen Ryan being embarrassed by having a strange woman help him, but this anger was unexpected. "Would you rather have a man help you?"
"NO! I don't need help! Let me get up and I'll do it myself!" Ryan started to swing his legs over the edge of the bed and put his feet on the floor - and his legs buckled under him. Fortunately Mr. Kelly had seen this coming and was there to catch him and heave him unceremoniously back up to the bed. Ryan sat there for a moment gaping at him, and then grabbed his head , saying "Dizzy..." Mr. Kelly helped him lie down again.
"Da, what's wrong?" Ryan whispered, looking terrified. "Why don't my legs work? What happened?"
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Post by celticbear on Nov 16, 2013 23:10:40 GMT -5
Poor Ryan! I hope for his sake and every body's else's sake the Old Ryan comes back soon! I don't like this Ryan one bit!
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Post by sportygirl200 on Nov 16, 2013 23:44:26 GMT -5
This would be quite tough on Ryan and he needs to find his way to come to terms with what has happened and as long as they stick by him he will get through in his own time and try to help give him some sort of independance to make it easier
Sent from my GT-P5110 using proboards
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Post by barbt on Nov 17, 2013 11:29:58 GMT -5
Celticbear, I don't like him much this way either, it's hard to write him this way :-( But I'm actually going pretty easy on him. He could be a lot worse. Like his response to the nurse could easily have gone in another direction which would be completely against Nox rules - and I couldn't bring myself to write him that way anyway. I had a teenage boy (about 15 years old) as a patient once who, when I first met him, was in this stage. He was the rudest, crudest person I'd ever met. If he was mad at you, he'd pull off a piece of the diaper he was wearing, go to the bathroom in it, and throw it at you. Three weeks later, when he'd come out of it, he was the most polite, God-fearing young man I'd ever met. We went outside to take a walk one day and he looked up at the sky and very sincerely said, "Thank you, God, for making it a beautiful day." I just about cried. And he wasn't the worst of them, either.
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Post by barbt on Nov 17, 2013 11:40:25 GMT -5
Also, remember that Ryan has no idea what's happened or how long he's been ill. He doesn't remember what Raymond told him twice last night. He doesn't remember anything about last night. The last thing he remembers is being on the tour with Neil, and now he's in a hospital bed with no clue how he got there and with people doing things to him that are way too personal. He's scared, he's confused, his mind is making up all sorts of things to try to fill in the gaps, whether they make logical sense or not.
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Post by barbt on Nov 17, 2013 19:16:57 GMT -5
I couldn't stand leaving Ryan like that So here's the next update. Mr. Kelly gathered his son into his arms. "It's OK, Ryan. You'll be OK." The fear in Ryan's voice was painful. Releasing Ryan from the hug, he pulled a chair over and sat down. "Do you remember talking to Raymond last night?" "No. He was here when I woke up this morning. Where is he?" "Hopefully getting some sleep, he was here with you all night. But he's probably out in the hall with your mother and Colette. Should I have them come in?" "Please, I want to see them." Mr. Kelly walked over to the door. As he'd expected, everyone was out there, looking nervous. "He's settled down," he said, "and he wants you all to come in". Mrs. Kelly went to her son and gave him a hug. Seeing that he looked scared she sat on the chair and took his hand. "Mam," Ryan said, "what happened? I tried to get up and my legs wouldn't work. What's wrong with me?" "You've been in bed for a few weeks, Ryan, your legs are just weak." "Why? I don't remember getting sick or anything." "You fell down the stairs at home and knocked yourself out. When you didn't show up for dinner and didn't answer your phone, we came to check on you and found you at the bottom of the stairs. When the ambulance got there, they took one look at you and called for a helicopter to fly you here to Belfast." "Knocking myself out wouldn't put me in bed for weeks, Mam. Something else had to have happened." Mr. Kelly took up the story. "You didn't just knock yourself out, Ryan, you cracked your skull and had bleeding in your brain. It nearly killed you. You've been in intensive care for 3 weeks." Ryan looked at him, stunned. "Three WEEKS? I've been out for 3 weeks?" "Yeah," Raymond said. "been a long time since we've been able to talk to you, ya know?" "Wait a minute," Ryan said, closing his eyes. "Ray, did I get mad at you last night? I think I tried to hit you or something?" "Yeah, you did,", said Raymond. "First time I've ever been glad to get in a fight." Ryan gave him a shaky grin. "Didn't hurt you, did I?" "Nah, you didn't even connect. Just scared the heck out of me." "I'm sorry," Ryan mumbled, looking away. "It's OK, Ry, you didn't know what you were doing. " The nurse stuck her head back in the door. "Hate to interrupt, but the occupational and speech therapists are here to start checking you out. " Ryan looked puzzled. "For what?" "The OT is here to see if you can dress yourself safely, and the speech therapist wants to make sure you can swallow all right so we can give you some breakfast. After that the physiotherapist will be up to see about getting you up out of bed so we can move you out of the ICU." "More people poking at me, huh?", Ryan mumbled. Looking sheepishly at the nurse, he said, "Sorry about knocking the tray over, I just got so mad..." "I understand," she said. "It's the brain injury that makes you lose control when you're scared or tired. It'll get better, and I'm used to it. I know not to take it personally." The occupational therapist had brought a set of scrub clothes for Ryan to dress in, since he didn't have any of his own clothes there. She shooed the family out of the room, but shortly let them back in, smiling. "He passed," she said. "Just had to help him figure out how to get the trousers up without being able to stand up. Can you bring some of his own clothes in - just sweat pants and t-shirts for now? And some slippers or simple shoes?" "Sure," said Raymond, "I'll go back home after I get some sleep and get some stuff for you, Ryan. I'm going back to the hotel before I fall asleep standing up." The occupational therapist stayed in the room as the speech therapist came in with a tray. "Ready for something to eat? We're not going to give you a lot, your stomach's not used to food right now. I just need to make sure you can swallow safely and not choke. Since I understand you're talking clearly, everything is probably OK, but we don't want to take any chances. Last thing you need is a case of pneumonia from having food get into your lungs." Ryan eyed the tray warily. "I've heard about hospital food. What's on there?" The therapist laughed. "Nothing too scary. Some custard, some bread, a bit of sausage, and some eggs. Real eggs, I promise." "Why custard?" "It's the easiest consistency of food to swallow, so it's the safest to start with. If you can swallow that, then we move on to things that have to be chewed." Ryan carefully worked his way through bites of all the different food and drank some milk and water without a problem. The therapist had him talk after every mouthful, listening to see if he had food caught in his throat or lungs. The occupational therapist left after seeing that Ryan was able to handle the utensils without a problem. Very quickly, Ryan said, "I don't think I can eat any more. None of it tastes like anything, anyway. Is it supposed to be that way?" "Hmm..." the therapist said, frowning. "No, it's normal food. It smells fine to me." "I can't smell it either," said Ryan. They all looked at him. "Really?" Colette said. "Not at all?" "No, nothing." "Well, that's odd," said the speech therapist. "I'll make sure I let your doctor know when I turn in my report. Dr. Reilly should be in to check on you soon, anyway." She left the room. Ryan looked at his family. "I'm really tired," he said, his eyelids drooping as he spoke. "Can you guys let me catch a nap?" "Of course," they chorused as they filed out of the room, knowing he'd want to keep talking if they stayed in. Once outside the door, they all looked at each other. "So...," said Mr. Kelly. "Eating, talking, dressing himself. Big change from yesterday, eh? Not sure I like this not tasting or smelling anything, though." Mrs. Kelly said firmly, "If that's the worst of what he's left with, we can all count our blessings."
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Post by celticbear on Nov 17, 2013 19:47:15 GMT -5
Now this is the Ryan we all know and love! I believe Ryan's taste buds did come back. But to this date he can't smell anything.
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Post by barbt on Nov 17, 2013 20:24:01 GMT -5
I wonder about that, celticbear. I know he's said he still can't smell anything, but he shouldn't be able to taste anything either if he can't smell at all, taste and smell are pretty closely linked. Like nothing tastes right if you have a cold and your nose is all stuffed up. It's entirely possible that his brain is processing the smells but not letting the information get to his consciousness. That would probably let him have at least some sense of taste.
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Post by barbt on Nov 18, 2013 22:14:45 GMT -5
Short update tonight, paperwork for work kept me busy. May not be updating as quickly during the week.
Dr. Reilly, Ryan's neurologist,, came down the hall. "Well, good morning, Kelly family," he said with a smile. "I understand we've had some pretty dramatic changes in the last 24 hours. I'm just about to go in and check him out."
"Would you mind waiting a few minutes?" Mrs. Kelly said. "He's just asked us to leave because he was tired. He's only been awake about an hour and a half, is it normal for him to tire out so quickly?"
"Absolutely," Dr. Reilly replied. "His brain is only going to be able to take so much stimulation for a while before he gets overloaded. It's not processing information as efficiently as usual yet. His response is going to be either to withdraw into himself and not react to what's going on around him, to go to sleep, or, if he is pushed too far, to react with agitation. I understand he's had a bit of that as well."
"Yes," Mr. Kelly said. "Ordinarily Ryan is very gentle, but he's been aggressive a couple of times and has been using some pretty foul language as well."
"Unfortunately that's to be expected for a bit. The executive center of his brain, which holds the information on how to behave in certain situations, takes a bit longer to recover than some of the other parts. He'll react without thinking for a while. He may not remember those instances or he may remember them later and realize that he was wrong to behave that way."
"Yes, that's what's happened so far," said Colette. "He tried to hit Raymond last night, but remembered it and apologized this morning, and apologized to the nurse as well for knocking over the tray table."
"That's a good sign," said Dr. Reilly. "The time it takes him to realize what he's done in those situations will get shorter and shorter, until eventually he'll be able to stop himself from doing them at all. The other form agitation sometimes takes is difficulty controlling other emotions such as sadness or tears. Don't be surprised if he starts crying or withdraws over a situation that's only mildly frustrating. He's also likely to misunderstand things, forget things you've already told him, and make up things to fill in the gaps of what he can't remember."
"Did the speech therapist get a chance to speak to you yet?" asked Colette. "About Ryan saying he couldn't smell or taste anything?"
"No, I hadn't had a chance to talk to her yet." Dr. Reilly frowned. "We may have to do some further assessment on that, but other than making him unwilling to eat or drink as much as he should, for the moment it's a relatively minor concern. Now, shall we go in and see how he is?"
As they stepped into the room, the family grew concerned. Ryan didn't react to them entering the room at all, although he appeared to be awake. His eyes were open, but they looked strangely empty.
"Doctor?" said Mrs. Kelly fearfully. "What's wrong?"
"This is the withdrawal I told you about," the doctor said quietly. "His brain is blocking out what's going on around him as it tries to process what he's experienced today. Trying to get him to participate in anything right now will probably only agitate him. I'd suggest leaving one person here to stay with him, quietly, and the rest of us leaving and letting him rest. Whoever stays should just wait for him to come back to himself. He may fall asleep, or he may gradually return to a more alert level. I'll tell the nurses to hold back any more therapists for the time being."
(The thing with the eyes looking empty is completely true, and very freaky. Sometimes it lasts for a long time, even when the person is alert and talking coherently. I don't remember where I saw the photograph, but I saw one photo with that look in Ryan's eyes; it was probably taken either on a visit home before he was released or right after he got home - my guess is on the home visit Sharon told us he would have in one of her blogs.)
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