This update? Pretty weird. But the next one is even weirder. Hang in there with me, folks
<3
The next few days consisted of a lot of writing and spilling out her thoughts. She took Emmet's advice and wrote her story, the story of her attempt at suicide and recovery. It hurt, trying to bring up the memories, but it made Anita realize something: She should never have thought that death would be better than life. There had been no logical or good reasoning behind her desire to die.
She messaged with the lads throughout the week, getting input for her Keith fic (from Keith), getting advice from Emmet about what she should write next for her final paper, and just goofing around with Colm. He seemed a lot sillier than she had imagined, given his stage presence was always so calm. This gave her insight for her future stories.
It was a rushed week, but it was a good one. She added that week to her list of good thing.
Smiling, Anita printed the final copy of her paper. She marveled at how clean and beautiful it looked before stapling it nicely. At twelve pages, it was emotional and raw and told her story: from her easy childhood to her tumultuous adolescence, and the resulting attempted suicide.
Running a hand along the paper, she slid it into her folder and breathed a sigh of relief. She was done, and those memories were behind her. She smiled. “I want to never be like that again,” she whispered to the air. “No.” She spoke up. “I never, ever will be like that again.”
Checking her watch, she noticed she had twenty minutes or so before she had to leave to get to school, so she checked her messages. Sure enough, one from Colm.
Colmsnumber1fan: “So the reading is today, right? You ever going to let me read your paper? Emmet said he cried.
I still know nothing about whatever you're writing about because I haven't gotten it out of Emmet and Keith yet, but I just want to say that I'm rooting for you and wish I could come listen to you read it.”
Anita drew in a deep breath and answered. “I suppose I should let you know what it's about... it's just hard. Maybe I'll send you the story. I have to leave soon, but I wish you could make it, also. I'll send you the story later. It's a rough read, just letting you know (well, obviously, if Emmet cried). Have a good day.”
After making sure there were no other messages, Anita went downstairs and shoved her folder in her backpack. “Hey, Mom, I'm heading off to school. The reading is today. Wish me luck. If I get an A, I get into an advanced course next semester.” She smiled and headed for the door.
Her mom stopped her. “Honey,” she said slowly. “I know I haven't been the best mom to you...”
“Stop,” Anita said. “Please.”
“But I want you to know that I'm proud of you, and I'm proud of your paper. Anyone can see you put your heart and soul into it.” Her mom smiled sadly. “I'm sorry you had that particular type of heart and soul to put inside, but it's a moving storyline and quite touching the whole way through.”
“The paper isn't about the storyline, Mom,” Anita said.
“Then what is it about?”
Seeing the confusion in her mom's eyes, Anita thought for a moment before answering as shortly as she could. “The paper is about the ending.”
“The ending just...ended,” her mom said slowly. “I mean, I don't really get the ending. That was the least enjoyable part for me.”
Anita slowly smiled. “Good. That's how it's supposed to be.”
Her mom just shook her head, still confused.
“Don't you see?” Anita pressed. “It's a metaphor. The story ends because her life has begun.” Grinning, she added, “My life... it's really begun, Mom.” Giving her mom a quick squeeze, she said, “I'll see you after school,” and left the house.
Anita stood before her writing class with her paper in her hands and felt her mouth suddenly go dry. “Um, hi, so I'm Anita Jackson,” she said slowly. “You all know that. Okay.” Glancing at Professor Collins, she was relieved to see the older woman trying not to smile. “Anyway. I, uh, wrote... a paper.” She cleared her throat and tried to calm her shaking hands. “And Professor Collins asked that I read it to you guys.”
She closed her eyes for a moment and tried to slow down her racing heart mentally.
What would happen if this were one of my fanfics? she joked with herself for a second.
All of the lads would just walk through that door and all my troubles would be over. Shaking her head at the ridiculousness of that thought, she still found herself looking for them to come through the door.
Realizing none of the lads would be coming, she sighed. “This paper is entitled 'This Was My Life' [author's note: Yes, this is a song from Storm lol]. I hope you like it.” Taking a shaky breath, she started reading, her voice low and smooth, despite her anxiety.
“Carissa Daniels never saw how beautiful life could be. She was hurt and abused along the way, and always seemed to focus on that. When a friend couldn't hang out with her, she would put aside the real reason and think she was the problem. When her parents were frustrated and didn't want to talk, she could never see that they had been struggling financially and with their marriage. No, she always felt like everything was her own fault, and it was dragging her down, lower than she had ever been in her life. This is her story.
…
“Choking back a tear, she wrote a note to her parents. 'I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. I just couldn't do it anymore. I'll see you in heaven, okay?' With that note, she took the pills and, one by one, swallowed them with a heavy heart. She was going to die, and she wasn't sorry—not one, single bit. She welcomed the end.” Anita looked up at that moment and was surprised to see so many tears.
…
“Writing got her through the hard days. Writing about what hurt, what was good, what was bad, and, of course, just writing fiction, and sometimes even fanfiction. She could disappear in a fictional world. She didn't have to be herself, and she didn't have to worry about if her characters liked her or not. They were her characters. They were supposed to like her. And so she cared for them, cultivated them, and they became her own. Carissa even took real people and used them for her stories, because they liked her in her stories, even when she didn't like herself.
…
“Carissa got to meet some of the people she admired most in the world, and they turned out to be very kind, even offering to read her stories and listen to her. No one had listened to her in so long that she jumped at the chance, even though she was embarrassed to show her stories. She didn't want to show how vulnerable she really was, but the chance to have somebody see her for who she really was: weak, broken, yet still beautiful—how could she give up that chance?
…
“And that was when she realized: Life wasn't about the rough parts. The rough parts were easy to get stuck over, and they seemed to happen more than the good parts. But that was because she was looking for the hard parts of life. She never stopped to look at how beautiful life could be, and it was killing her inside.
“With that revelation, Carissa walked to the river with her guitar, finally giving in completely to the notion that she could be broken, and yet still be beautiful.” Anita bit her lip before looking up at everyone.
Professor Collins cleared her throat after a moment of silence. “Is that the end?”
Anita nodded wordlessly.
There was another moment of silence before everyone started clapping. There were even a few cheers from the back. Her eyes shining with tears, Anita bowed slightly. “Thanks, everyone,” she whispered. “Any questions?”
Sydney raised her hand. “Can I ask you something really personal?”
Anita nodded. “I guess.”
“That was you, right?” Anita nodded, so Sydney continued. “Is all this really true? Are you...”
“Happy? Yeah.” Anita smiled.
“Do you really write fanfiction?” Mark shouted from the back of the room.
Anita laughed along with everyone, relieving the heavy feeling in the room. “Yes.”
“About what?” Professor Collins asked.
Anita froze slightly. “Oh, um... stuff.”
Professor Collins laughed. “Thank you, Anita. I have a feeling everyone got a lot from that story. And you know the saying 'there wasn't a dry eye in the room?'”
Anita nodded. “Of course.”
“Congratulations on accomplishing that today.” Professor Collins nodded at her. “You may sit down.”
Ted spoke up, a teasing glint in his eye. “I didn't cry.”
“Please. You stole one of my tissues,” Amy joked with him.
Anita smiled happily and slid into her seat, staring at her story.
I did it, Anita thought proudly.
And now my life is beginning. Anita bit her lip and smiled as she clicked on Colm's message.
Colmsnumber1fan: “How did it go?”
Anita thought for a moment before messaging back. “They all cried. Because of me. I can't even. I've never gotten such a wonderful response to something I've written before. Maybe I could be the next John Green! Haha. Thanks for the support, man.”
Her mom knocked on her door as Anita hit send. “Hey, honey. How did it go?”
“Really, really well. I'm pretty sure I got an A, if the response of the class and the teacher are any indication,” Anita said, putting her laptop aside.
“Good.” Her mom was quiet for a moment. “I'm so glad you have found something where you can thrive. I think being an author of deep, touching subjects is really your thing.”
Anita nodded. “It was incredible, Mom. Really. I had so much power today. Power with my words...” She smiled. “I could really write novels.”
“I've always thought you could.” Her mom touched her laptop gently. “And what about fanfiction?”
“Oh.” Anita paused. “I can still do that. It's fun and I enjoy crawling inside people's heads and digging out something that seems plausible.”
“None of the Celtic Thunder fanfiction people write is plausible,” her mom said wryly.
Anita stared. “You've read some?”
“I've read all of yours,” her mom teased her. “And a couple others that I've seen you comment on.”
Gaping at her mom, Anita was at a loss for words for a moment. “Uh, wow, Mom, I'm not sure how I feel about that. How did you know which one was me?”
Her mom grinned. “Please. Your name is songbird37. I mean, really. I know who you are.”
Anita smiled slightly. “I suppose you would know that was me. Do you... like my stories?”
“Yeah, I think they're amusing.” The corners of her mom's eyes crinkled when she smiled. “Nita, honey, I think you're an incredible writer, no matter who you're writing about.”
Anita thought about that for a few minutes before asking her mom some technical questions about her writing. They talked for a while about her plotlines and characters.
A ding came from her laptop and she checked. “I have a message,” she explained. “Just a sec.”
Her mom watched as Anita clicked over to her messages.
Colmsnumber1fan: “That's awesome!! Can I read it? I'm determined not to cry.
I might, though. If I do, I'll let you know, but you have to promise not to tell the others.”
Anita grinned and hit reply. “Okay. I'll send it as an attachment to this message. And I won't tell the lads. Just, don't... think poorly of me for it, okay?” She took a deep breath and attached her paper, hitting send before she could take it back.
With curiosity, her mom asked, “So who was that? Colmsnumber1fan? That's a strange name.”
Anita paused before answering. “Uh, it was Colm Keegan.”
Her mom blinked a couple of times. “You talk to him?”
“And Keith, and Emmet,” Anita admitted. “When I gave Emmet my name on here, he looked me up. Then he showed the other two. Now we all talk a lot.” She shrugged. “It's been interesting, to say the least.”
“Wow.”
They were both quiet for a few minutes. “You sure it's them?” her mom finally asked. “I mean, are you positive?”
Anita was stunned for a moment. “Why wouldn't it be? Who would pretend to be the lads?”
“You might want to make sure. Like, get their phone numbers and call them or something.” Her mom shrugged. “I'm just looking out for you. Make sure.”
“Sure, Mom. I'll do that.”
Giving Anita a hug, her mom smiled and left.
Anita frowned for a moment, suddenly insecure about her knowledge of the lads, and clicked on the message from Colm again. Hitting reply, she typed quickly, before she could change her mind. “Hey, actually, can we skype or talk on the phone or something, and I could read it out loud to you? I think that might be better.”
Within moments, there was a reply. Anita was surprised but read it.
Colmsnumber1fan: “Of course. You can skype me whenever. I just started the story, but I can wait for a better time... and if you want to skype right now, just keep in mind that Keith is here.” He gave his skype name, and that's all the message said.
Anita frowned and thought for a moment before going over to Skype. She looked up Colm quickly, smiling slightly as his wacky username, and sent a request for a video call.
He picked up soon enough and Anita smiled at seeing his and Keith's faces. “Hey, guys,” she said softly. “Just a second.”
Getting up, she walked down the hall to her mom's room. “Mom, they're really Colm and Emmet and Keith. I'm on Skype with Colm and Keith now.” Before her mom could answer, she went back to her room and shut the door. “Okay, back. Sorry.”
Colm grinned and waved. “Nice to finally see you,” he said. “I didn't know you had glasses.”
Anita pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose self-consciously. “Oh, yes, forgot I was wearing those.” She shrugged. “Oh, well. How are you, Keith?”
Keith saluted her and grinned. “I'm grand. You?”
“Good. On a slight high from writing class.” She smiled slowly before sobering. “Do you actually want me to read this to you guys?”
Colm nodded eagerly. “I've known you for what, a couple of weeks, and I've known of you for longer than that, but I have no idea what your 'story' is about or anything and it's driving me crazy.”
Keith glanced at him before smiling at Anita. “I would love to hear it. Emmet says it's your best.”
Anita smiled at the praise before pulling up the document. “Okay. I'll read it. But... just...”
“Don't think any less of you?” Colm interrupted. “Don't worry.”
She nodded before she started reading. She was a lot less nervous than before, considering the response she had gotten earlier, and was confident that Colm and Keith wouldn't reject her because of her past.
Probably.
She didn't look at the Skype window the whole time she was reading. She didn't really want to see their reactions until the end.
“With that revelation, Carissa walked to the river with her guitar, finally giving in completely to the notion that she could be broken, and yet still be beautiful.”
There was a whoosh of breath on the other end and Anita clicked to the Skype screen. Colm's eyes were wet and Keith had his head down.
“That's it,” she whispered. “And now you know.”
“Yeah,” Colm said softly. “Now I know.”
There was silence for a minute before Anita laughed. “You know, I've read a lot of fanfiction. A lot. And today, when I was reading my paper in front of my class, all I wanted was for a bit of fanfiction to come true, and to see you two and Emmet come walking through the door of my classroom.” She bit her lip. “But I guess that was way too much to ask for. I'm already friends with you guys. What are the odds? I guess this is my own private fanfiction coming true.”
“You wouldn't have become friends with us if it hadn't been for your having attempted suicide,” Keith mused. “I mean, that's the whole reasoning behind why you came to the concert and got Meet&Greets.”
Anita frowned. “Yeah. You're right. My cancer perk.”
“You have cancer, too?” Colm asked in dismay.
“No, no, it's an expression from a book.” Anita shrugged. “I just never knew they were real until my mom told me I got an M&G because of my, uh, health problems.”
There was another long silence before Colm spoke up. “Okay, so, wow, and uh, Emmet never told me this because...?”
“I don't know. Respecting me, I suppose.” The thought blew Anita away. “Anyway, I should probably go. It's been...” She checked the time. “Only half an hour. But it's late there.”
Keith nodded. “It's nice to see you again, Nita. Tell your dad hi. He's a nice man.”
Colm stared at Keith. “You've met her dad?”
“Yeah. He's pretty cool.” Keith grinned.
“Okay, well, thanks, and I will,” Anita said. “Bye, Colm. Thanks for the Skype name.” She tried her best to grin evilly and was pretty sure she failed.
He laughed. “No problem. Talk to you later, then.”
She ended the call and sat back for a moment. “I really am living my own fanfiction,” she laughed. She saved Colm's name to her Skype account, wondering if that was creepy or not, before deciding it probably didn't matter, since he gave it to her. “And my own fanfiction definitely is pretty awesome,” she decided.